My horoscope for this week, strongly advised that I should love myself on St.Valentino. It suggested that I pamper myself, dance naked in front of a mirror and add some talisman on my Love altar. And if I did not already have a Love altar, I should definitely create one, said my star sign.
Pamper myself, this I already do. But maybe am not doing enough of it. So I thought to myself, I should follow a results guaranteed piece of advice that my female friends keep repeating – “Trust me, the best way to pamper yourself, is to have a relaxing scented bubble bath, light a candle and listen to your favorite music...”
This piece of advice has become so utterly cliché amongst women. Every single, self help book mentions it. Still, I thought to myself -- okay girl, soak yourself in a sensuous bubble bath, light a candle and play your kind of music...
Mind you, I use to do that before, soaking in bathtubs, but not anymore.
Last time I did, I was in for a surprise. Just as I was pleasantly relaxing in the water and letting myself get carried away by the music, indulging in reveries, I felt little things drop on my face...in my half awake state,I smiled, thinking to myself how romantic, I am in a hot bathtub and it is snowing outside...it was no snow for sure. The wall was actually flaking off, from the humidity and tiny particles of painted cement were landing on my face. So much for a bit of sensual indulgence...
Anyway, cement flakes or no cement flakes, the water here is way too polluted to soak in.
Thirty minutes are sufficient to cause shock from generalized septicemia. You can be damn sure you will have E.coli crawling out of your nose.
Which reminds me, a couple of years ago, a dozen or so people died from drinking this water. It was heavily polluted by shit (human excrement-just in case you forgot what shit means) dumped by the Israelis into lake Tabaria. People swore they could smell shit coming out from their taps. Surely am not going to take that risk, having shit water penetrating my pores. So bubble baths are out.
Dancing naked in front of a mirror is the other option urged by Ze stars. Now why the fuck would I do that for? I can dance but why naked? Like strip in front a mirror and admire myself or what exactly? And why would I dance naked alone? It makes no sense. I mean, if I really have to be naked, let me at least be naked with someone...
Besides I am no exhibitionist. How can anyone be an exhibitionist here anyways ?
If you want to wear your socks, you must pull your window shutters-- down. Why so ? Because your boring, empty, gossipy neighbors only activity is to snoop at each other and at you.
God forbid should they catch a glimpse of your ankle while you’re pulling your socks up, you will become their topic du jour.
Moreover, the only full size mirror I have is glued to my wardrobe's sliding door which is jammed. Last time I tried pulling it, the damn thing fell on me. So I guess dancing naked is out too.
What was the third thing ? Ah yes, the Love altar. Now this one, I can really dig my teeth into. Literally...
I did construct/create my Love altar. Could not think of any talisman, except one against the evil eye, a red rose, a red colored scented candle, an incense holder and a love poetry book. All carefully placed on a cardboard box which I covered with an old red damascene cloth.
And this is my temporary Love altar to celebrate Mullah Valentine as per the Zodiac’s omen.
Oh and I did paint my toe nails red. I know it's only a detail but an important one, nonetheless.
Some of you are already wondering, why has St.Valentino been re-baptized as Mullah Valentine ?!
Don’t dig too deep, it’s only for culturally sensitive reasons...Trying to turn Love,“halal”, I suppose.
You see, our Mullah Valentine, is a terribly jealous, frustrated, envious, capricious, sexually obsessed, fearful, hater of women, issuer of Fatwas.
You never know when he will come up with a new decree banning this or the other. And, being an Arab woman, I have to walk on egg shells around Mullah Valentine.
As we say in Iraqi “gesher bossal”. A sentence used when someone’s ego is too fragile and you need to tread carefully...we say “kho moo gesher bossal !?”.Gesher bossal means the skin of an onion.
In other words, the Mullah’s ego is too sensitive to things pertaining to romance, love and the rest...So on Valentine’s day, you really need to tone it down, in particular the sensual parts...before he strikes you with a fatwa that may cost you your life.
His arsenals of weapons are the following: Censorship, coercion, forced domestication, silencing, control, torture, mutilation, rape, and killing.
You must have guessed it by now, Mullah Valentine does not love women too much.
Or maybe he does and this drives him insane...
So for him to contain this arch-enemy, the one that stirs so much passion in him, he has to turn them women into disposable material.
But before disposing of you, he will try to keep the respectable façade of the “mighty judge”. He will admonish you, with laws and a diarrhea of verbal injunctions like : Ayb – shameful, shame, shaming you...
If that does not produce the desired results, he will introduce the haram stuff - forbidden or verboten in German – I like verboten better, more totalitarian sounding. He will go into lengthy details and show you how - anything you say, think or do -- that displeases him is haram. He will frequently point his finger at you and say "achtung". He will also frequently push it to the extreme; he is an expert of the extremes. Sometimes he will go as far as telling you that even your voice is haram – awra.
Of course, he will not say “I or me “ – he will refer to “God” instead. Since he secretly believes he is God -- your God, he has no qualms about associating himself with Him.
Your looks are definitely haram, so you better cover up. The thicker, the better. Never mind if you trip and fall and suffocate in your thick loose garments that look like friggin black potato bags, you must hide your body from him, from his gaze...You see, deep down Mullah Valentine can’t control his lust. He is too weak and too easy of a prey to his own telluric libidinal charges...
He sees in you the trigger of what he cannot control -- himself. So he controls you instead.
You become the devil incarnate, the source of all fisq and fassad. Two other favorite words of his. Fisq (not to be confused with R.Fisk) means deviation. And since you are essentially devious, you will deviate. And who deviates the “faithful” but the devil? And who gets to be stoned (both literally and symbolically )but the devil? The she-devil of his mind...
Fassad, on the other hand means corruption, mischief and something fassid, means something rotten.
He will also use the word fitnah often. Your not covering up the way he wants you to cover up, your not behaving the way he wants you to behave, your not acting the way he wants you to act...makes you a source of fitnah--tumult or chaos. In Arabic it can also mean persecution and oppression, depending on the contextual use of the noun.
All of that is logically coherent in his mind. You are the source of evil hence you have the power to deviate and make men rot in your corruption and you thus create tumult and chaos...push it a little further and you will be responsible for all the oppression and persecution that takes place in the world.
So you understand now, why it is so important for you to follow and obey his rules ?
Damn it you have so much power and you know it not. If you are capable of all the above, you are one hell of a powerful woman, don’t you think ?
If his verbal and written injunctions and admonishments are resisted, then am afraid I got bad news for you, he will pass onto action. His favorite word will sound like "eeqab shadeed" - hard punishment.
Mullah Valentine does not operate individually, he is a team player. He leads groups of men, sometimes arming them to their teeth and their mission is to purify this earth from the fassad, the fisq and the fitnah. So he will go for your jugular - naturally, and especially if you are an Iraqi woman that does not fit his ideological ”romantic” concepts.
He will go after you with zeal. He will harass you, insult you, slander you, beat you, kidnap you, arrest you, detain you, imprison you, rape you, torture you, mutilate you, dump you in piles of garbage and in rivers and you can kiss your Valentine’s Day preparation, celebration and Love altar goodbye, forever goodbye.
You have transgressed his laws, your very existence becomes Haram. You will be erased from this Haram existence.
He feels neither remorse nor guilt, because he “purified” the earth from your sort. He has finally subjugated your powers of “evil”; he is now free to feel and exercise his own unlimited power and might. He is finally a man who is obeyed. He is finally king in his ideological fortress. Obedience is terribly important for Mullah Valentine. He worships being obeyed. Otherwise how can he prove any manhood? How can he prove any virility? How can he prove any status? You are his property; you are the property of the male collectivity. Properties do not budge, do not talk, do not laugh, do not sing, do not dance...properties are there for usage only. Properties obey...
Fuck them, impregnate them, feed them, domesticate them, clad them and that is more than generous for the Mullahs Valentines of this world.
But the problem is that you breathe, and with your breath you keep reminding him that you are not an inert object, so try not to breathe too loud, will you please ?
Because if you breathe too loud, you will be rocking his ideological boat, his manhood and virility boat, giving him more reason to justify why he needs to have you coerced and controlled right down to the minutest details of your life. Giving him reason to justify why he needs to erase you...
You need to remember always that private property objects do not breathe. So tone down your breath, make it inaudible...and obey, always obey...
"Al-Ta'aa" is the secret word that will open all the sesame doors. Al-Ta'aa is the golden key...Al-Ta'aa means unquestioning, unconditional obedience. "Al-Ta'aa" means you will be granted some form of life...
Only then will Mullah Valentine grace you with approval and blessings. He might even whisper in your ears and request you to paint your toe nails red for him, and for him alone, even though colors and make up are so haram...but for him alone in secrecy, without anyone knowing or watching...behind thick veils and locked doors, at his temporary, "love" altar.
Happy Valentine’s Day to democratically occupied Iraqi women !
Picture : Courtesy of Fars news agency.
