Summer is here, what better thing to do than go to the pool and swim off all the accumulated stagnant energies from the cold season, just swim them away...
A friend of mine joined me, I like being with her because she does not talk too much, she is no chatterbox which is really a relief...which means each one of us can do her own thing - read, swim alone, have a walk without having to be Siamese twins joined together...which is what most girlfriends expect...incessant babbling...
I'll call her Rima. Rima is about my age, divorced, a creative and attractive woman...we drove to this relatively distant club hidden behind tall palm trees - the pleasant surroundings made for a nice change from the stifling atmosphere of noise, clamor, screams of children, loud crap music, shouts from street vendors, and away from my proverbial vulgar neighbor with her high heels stomping on my head 24/7.
When we arrived the place was practically empty - which for me is always a good sign. It kind of fits in with my misanthropic side which, alas, does not seem to get any better...nay, it's getting worse...but then that's another subject...
Rima and I slipped into our bathing suits and headed with anticipation to what looked like a fresh blue lagoon...or at least we imagined it to be...
We picked our spot - shade for me and scorching sun for her...she wanted a suntan fast...a monstrous thing to do to one's skin...but that's her skin not mine...still -- roasting oneself in one stretch is not a good idea at all...
Rima remarked that she had put on some weight as of late - around 5 kilos and she said it with a sigh of despair. She's been battling to lose these extra pounds, they're no big deal in my opinion, and I told her the more she obsessed about her weight, the less kilos she will shed...she then added that she bought a new bathing suit that she fell in love with the minute she saw it, but that she was not going to wear it before she loses "all that fat".I told her that she did not have "all that fat" on and that it was a distorted body image she had of herself...okay, granted she does not have the silhouette of a top model, but Rima is attractive and frankly I could not see why she was focusing on a few extra kilos when she could focus on her fine features...
- It's a pity you did not bring your new swimsuit I would have loved to see it on you
- Oh Layla please, I can't...I feel like a whale
- Rima, you are really exaggerating here, you don't look like a whale for starters
- I' ll wear it once I lose this damn flab
- But the summer would be over by then...
- I'll wear next summer then
- Can you guarantee you'll be around next summer? I mean there are no guarantees in life, so why not enjoy what you like now, instead of postponing it till later...I always hear people say -- they will wear a dress on a certain occasion, or save their favorite perfume for that special day, or use those plates only when they have speical guests...for them these are precious items that they enjoy, so why not enjoy them now...why always wait for the "right occasion" to present itself...now is the right occasion...
- Layla, I can't let anyone see me in this new bikini, really...
-Why not ?
- Because they will see how fat and ugly I've become
-Who is they Rima ? This does not make sense to me...
- They, people...
- Which, what, people ?
- People around me
-You mean men, right ?
- emm, yes I guess so...
I knew that Rima was hoping to meet a new man, and I guess she was on the look out everywhere...but I got this feeling that she was not living fully until she became the right woman (physically), until then everything was on hold, and that included her new bathing suit...
That kind of reminded me of my teen age years...when I would keep my t.shirt on, on top of my swim suit because I feared what others may think of my body and how they looked at it...I was 13 or 14 and I remember keeping that t.shirt on when everyone else was having fun in the sun...
Looking back, I realize that this was normal behavior for teens coming of age...unsure about their bodies, unsure how they scored with the opposite sex, unsure of everything...also the fact that I always heard boys "evaluating" the girls and looking at them critically did not help one bit. I remember hearing them say - look at her-- she's too thin, she's too fat, she's too short, she's too tall, she's too dark, she's too white...and I could hear them laugh as if they scored....
Thankfully I grew out of it...I stopped wearing that darned t.shirt...ages ago...but I notice till this day that even grown up men "evaluate" all the time...with the same sentences they used when they were pubescent pimpled boys...well I notice many things...maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not...
And somewhere along the line I decided for myself and that decision came gradually but firmly...that I will never allow another - male or female belittle my appearance and it did not matter if I was a supermodel or your average run of the mill kind of girl...I would not allow them to get to me, to get to my insides, to my head...
I said to myself - this is my body, it has carried me through all those years and by God I am not going to let any fucked up son of a bitch demean it in any way...my body is sacred.
And I also noticed another thing -- all those who make value judgments, in particular the men, well what can I say ? They don't look at themselves in the mirror long enough...
Mashallah, pot bellied, wobbly all over, with three hairs left on their scalp and they have the audacity to criticize...ha!
These guys are no bodybuilders for sure...as I said, I notice things. So really they are in absolutely no position to hand out any judgments and evaluations, none whatsoever...
That is when I decided -- fuck what others think or how they perceive me...let them go and tend their own "gardens" first...and if a guy does not like the way I look, then to hell with him...the door is wide open, wide enough for a camel to pass through -- to the other side.
So I told Rima, having sensed where she's coming from...
- What if guys don't like your physique, or don't approve of you, so what ?
- What do you mean so what ? I want to be desired...
- Yeah I understand that...but do you want to be desired by every single guy that passes by ? I mean does every single guy have to give you the stamp of approval first ?
- No of course not
- So you want to be desired by one special guy right ?
- Yes that's right, doesn't any woman ?!
-And you really believe that that one special guy will care if you are a few kilos overweight ? I mean is this the only thing he's going to see ? is this the only criteria with which he will judge you ?
- I certainly hope not...
- So what you're really saying Rima is that you fear meeting that special guy and he will not approve of you because of a few extra kilos and therefore will not be interested in you...lack of reciprocation, right?
- emm, well the way you put it...yes
- So really how special is that special guy in your head ? to me he does not sound terribly special...
I left Rima with her thoughts and took a plunge, I swam and swam ...there was a wind blowing, shaping the water into waves, and I imagined the pool to be the sea...and it felt as if I was swimming against the current...and it just felt right.
