Monday, 30 January 2012


I counted the number of wars I've lived through, excluding Intifadas and the Arab "Spring"...they amount to 9. These are the ones I remember ;

1967, 1973, 1976, 1980, 1982, 1990, 2003, 2006, 2008, plus the intifidas, plus the Arab "springs" Libya, Syria, etc...

That's a hell of a lot. The minute I feel am getting over my PTSD, I get a new booster dose.

A state of constant upheaval, and no you don't get used to it. Well you think you got used to it but you don't. Not really...something inside of you dies each time...and the thing that is left alive becomes raw like red hot coal...

I think about how many were killed and buried...since my earliest memories ? thousands, thousands...

I don't like flippancy, hence I have zero respect for the younger generations who had it somewhat easier...whose memories are numbed with MTV and ROTANA video clips... I have zero respect because they haven't read history, am not talking of ancient history here, you can forget about ancient history with them, they won't find it on kindle and e-books, am talking about recent history and 1967 onwards is not that far back.

I hate their flippancy, their cocksure resemblance of knowledge, their petty ideologies and their ignorance. That's a fact. Even though only one or two generations separate us but I feel the gap is huge, like over a hundred years. They too cause me another kind of PTSD.

Over and above wars and a crap generation who doesn't bother to learn shit, who doesn't bother to learn the important stuff, I have PTSD from Arab and Muslim men whom I shall call the "Eastern" man.

I am traumatized by these men, seriously. I find my whole experience with them traumatic, just like the wars I was subjected to. Their lies, their double standards, their comedy, their bad theatrical plays, their violence, their abuse, their infidelities, their hypocrisy, their ego centrism, their pretenses, their fake appearances, their cultural schizophrenia, their machismo, their spoiled natures, their hypocrisy, their cowardice...I can go and on.. all of that has traumatized me...

Yes maybe there are some good ones around but am not a laboratory and am not willing to experiment the good from the bad. I've seen enough.

I keep being told - all your fingers are not of the same length. .but no one has the honesty to tell me ---all the fingers belong to the same hand.

Maybe am jaded or désabusée as they say in French, it's possible. And am sure other races have the same problems or worse...but I don't really care about others...this is MY context and this is MY reality.