Back in Time...

I've become an insomniac, might as well use my time fruitfully...and by fruitfully I mean using that time to look back at things, people, places...it's funny how my perspective has completely changed in the past years, I'd say like a 180 degree turn around...maybe not so much changed, that is not the right word, more like I see things differently today, as if someone has opened my eyes...

I guess periods, protracted periods of turmoil and upheaval do that to a person, it kind of metamorphoses them, not necessarily into someone totally new but forcibly into someone different...and I feel the difference in myself...in so many ways...

I 've become so much more selective in my relationships, someone would say too selective, I disagree.

I think I have not been selective enough in the past...was too welcoming, too generous and too open and in retrospect I found that this was sheer stupidity on my part.

I  and them spoke a different language and they did not merit neither my time, nor my attention, nor my energy, nor my generosity...I think my stupidity stemmed from the fact that I was unable to recognize the language they spoke...I assumed it was the same.

Ass-u-me. I remember once a friend of mine said to me...when you assume, you are making an ass out of you and me..he's right, I made an ass out of myself. Of course, I can always argue with myself that I was just following my own nature...and I guess that was stupid too.

Now am much more aware, Iraq made me much more aware actually...it kind of raised huge interrogation marks on people and on their nature...I never believed in the past that people can be willfully evil, I always blamed it on some ignorance, on some lack of understanding, on their circumstances...etc..I found excuses.

Today that is no longer the case. Today, I do realize that people can be willfully evil. And there are some I will never forgive not even when am in my grave...and I know in my religion, if the person who has been harmed does not forgive or cannot forgive, God will not forgive that person either...and until my last breath, I will never forgive some...for the horrors they've committed. And I really don't think they should be forgiven either...not that they asked for forgiveness...

The problem with such evil souls, is that they are inherently arrogant, they have no conscience left, despite them professing otherwise..one can tell the depth of their insincerity. One can tell from their faces, their expressions, the tone of their voice, and these people are doomed. They are the ones referred to in the Koran in "whose hearts there's a disease"...and their hearts are diseased to the core...they are a hopeless case.

Their trade mark is false pride and arrogance...covered with layers of other stuff...I could not spot those at first, now I do, and it does not take me much anymore, not much thinking or analyzing, it kind of pops up right in front of my eyes...

So today I believe that people can be willfully evil  because their a priori intention is evil...and this is where it all starts - an intention.

There is no more room in my life for this kind of garbage people...and it does not matter who or what they are...they can be the most rich, the most good looking, the most interesting, the most educated, the most of anything...or they can come across as humble, poor, meek, simple, etc...it does not matter, because if the heart is diseased everything else is too. They are the people of the Lie. There are no two ways about it...

And God knows how many such people I have met in my lifetime...users, profiteers, false, liars, arrogant, vain, conceited, egomaniacs, covetous, jealous, envious... and some had all of these traits together..like a jackpot prize..

Am so glad I am not them..and I am so happy I don't have to live in their shoes..and I am definitely most happy there is absolutely no space for them in my life anymore...

Having said that --  finding real good quality people is not easy...finding genuine people is not easy...it's not easy because there are hardly any left...Am not saying they don't exist, am saying they are most difficult to encounter...and that applies to both men and women, by the way...

So looking back, I can see that a major spring cleaning has taken place in my life and at times without even me realizing it...as if there's been an invisible force at work, pushing out, eliminating, cleaning up the superfluous, the fake, the phony --the deceit. As if some invisible force is telling me "par la force des choses", you will not settle for falsehood anymore..as if this invisible force is telling me --and this is your true nature...not the one you thought you had before, but this one now, the one am presenting to you...and you have no choice but to accept it because this is You.

And now looking back, I understand much better why I wrote that Love without Truth is nothing but cheap sentimentalism...I really believe one can only truly love in truth and nothing else, and nothing short of that will do...

Reverse...

I am just thinking to myself, actually I've been thinking about it for a whole week, like really looking at it from different angles and was wondering if any Iraqi did not 80%, not 60%, not 40% not even a 20%, let's say a 10% of what those shits Americans and Brits did to us, I wonder what their reaction will be ?!

Will they still come and preach to my head about being positive and polite ?! Fuck no...

I mean here we were minding our own business and these barbarians called the West landed and killed, raped, tortured, exiled and humiliated us with the most grotesque of acts and words...

What are these haughty, arrogant, bastards, sons of  bitches really expecting ? Are they expecting that one just sits and takes it, gobbles it down, just like that ?

So if understand it correctly, one is not to fight back with arms, not to fight back with words, not to fight back and just lay down on the floor and grovel with thanks ?! Fuck you what an arrogant bunch.

As if their lives are more precious, or their homes are more precious, or their healths are more precious or their monuments and statues are more precious....

They are a hopeless case, totally hopeless...the only day they'll understand anything or feel anything is when the same horrors happen to them and I pray that it does, and very soon...

I am a Racist

I am a racist, I can't stand the human race anymore...So much savagery from all sides...is there anything else, I keep wondering...
Savages from all races....
I have seen so much savagery from the human race. I have.
All kinds of savagery...the unthinkable ...to lesser sorts of savagery...the daily stuff...
I have seen white, black, yellow, purple savages...I have seen so called Christians, so called Muslims, so called Jews, so called Hindus, so called Sikhs, so called Buddhists savages and even atheist ones...
Savages from all political inclinations --from the right and from the left...
I have seen poor savages and rich savages...I have seen savage couples, savage families, savage parents, and even savage children...savage men and savage women...

Is it a one track mind or what ? Has my optical field become so limited, my vision so lopsided  ?

I am a racist, I hate the human race...the oppressed becomes oppressor and the slave becomes the enslaver and the subjugated becomes the tyrant...this is an endless cycle...

I have seen savagery from the " most kind " of people...and even and specially savage love...

Maybe humans ARE savages, dressed in clothes...walking around with cell phones and computers, driving cars, making deals and giving orations...kneeling to God, lighting candles, sitting in lotus positions and repeating mantras, banging their heads against walls...hoping against hope -- forgetting for a moment the jungle that inhabits them ...mind you atheists are not spared either...they just have other ways of forgetting their savagery...it's called political and scientific ideals...but really it all boils down to the same crap...yes even the holy ones can be savages...

So what's the point of all this shit ? why has no "philosopher" addressed this question ? The question of savages stuck in a jungle...

They all spoke of those high transcendental ideals, the quest for life and its meaning, the supra man in the becoming...structures and super structures, the being and the thinking man, the existentialist and the kafkaesque, the absurd and the revolutionary... what a load of balls...

None of that crap lasted, only the savagery did and only that comes up to the surface in no time....and people build temples and monuments to hide the savagery...so as to make their "civilizations" last...

Am not sure where the world is heading with all of this...a sure ticket to hell, and it's already here...they make it every morning like hot buns...like some fresh bread that you buy from your local bakery, with each rising sun...past the smiles and the good morning nods and all those niceties...and inside the savage machine is en route, switched on every morning...

That is why I am a racist...I hate the human race...I prefer animals and nature...not that they don't have their savage moments too, but at least they are true to themselves...but maybe humans are as well.

In any case, all will become dust in the end...

No One is Getting Out Alive...

It's been a hard day today, like extra hard...my family has kept away the news from me...and I only learned it today, I learned of the death of Lateef. I will call him Lateef, which means in Arabic a Sweet Kindness...a Benevolent Kindness.

And Lateef was just that, a benevolent kindness...he passed away at age 35. He had just gotten married a year ago and his child is less than a year old...

I feel heartbroken that I can't attend his Fatiha. I spoke to Auntie B, his mother and she said to me...He told us he was going out for one hour ---and he never returned...and that's it...he will never return...

From what I have managed to gather -- Lateef was with two of his friends, running some errands, and suddenly he collapsed, his friends said he fell on his knees in prostration, then collapsed fully on the floor and made the sign of the Shahada (testimony of faith) with his right index...he was rushed to hospital, forget ambulances...and by the time he reached the emergency ward, he was already gone...his family and friends, who gathered around him, said his face was smiling and it shone...

Lateef was very pious as in God fearing... in the full sense of the word... God lived in his heart...always...or maybe he lived in the heart of God...

I remember my grandfather once telling me -- Layla you need not fear those who fear God.

And here Fear is not meant in the commonly understood sense...as in being afraid...but Fear of God is to be understood as in there is a Higher Power, you are accountable, you will be judged according to your deeds...so someone who fears God has this at the back of his/her mind 24/7.

How many a times I have come across so called pious and even none pious ones, who had no fear of God in their hearts...believing they are invincible, eternal and that Death will never touch them...Egos running wild with delusions...and illusions...

Tell me what is in your heart and I will tell you who you are...show me your acts or inactions and you show me your full self...

At Lateef's funeral, over 5'000 people showed up. The family was taken aback, who were all these people ? they wondered...

Some were women with orphans and Lateef in SECRET, used to support them...without anyone knowing about it...one was an old lady he used to spot in the neighborhood, a poor woman and he always offered her a ride back home, others were unknown faces with whom Lateef shared his income, without anyone knowing about it...

We say in Arabic - El-Muslim Qalbu Daleelo meaning a Muslim's heart (the one who has surrendered to God) is his guide...and "strangely" enough, for the past 2 months as his very close friends reported, Lateef has been giving them instructions like ...make sure whatever property/belongings I have, go to my son and wife, make sure orphan X. Y and Z get the support they need, make sure that so and so is looked after...and his friends would shake their heads and kept asking him -- why are you telling us all of this ? And he replied, because you will still be around and I will not...

Lateef was only 35 years old, he was in good health...

Why do I need to write about all of this ?

Because there is a big lesson to learn here...for those who keep missing the Lesson...

For those who are taken up with their own egos, their own little world, their own little plans and designs...

For those who believe they are the center of the Universe, that Death will never touch them, that their comfort zone will remain for ever...

For those who have willfully harmed others in deed and words, for those who have lied, cheated, betrayed, abused, tortured, raped, killed...

For those who are silent, apathetic, indifferent, or just jaded...

This is to tell you that none of you, none of us, will come out of it alive.

And whether you are a believer or not, it does not matter really...because you will be remembered by your deeds and actions...

The question to ask each night before the small death of sleep approaches, is "who will remember me and how do I want to be remembered...?"

I know many who lead lives full of deceit, lies, wrongdoings, and have harmed so many others in the process...trust me, no one will remember them...and if they do, it is only to say -- thank you God for having delivered us -- from so and so...

Lateef, on the other hand, will always be remembered for his Benevolent Kindness...and what a way to go.

All of Me...

Blogging on Iraq has exhausted me...it just took all of me...

The days I don't write about Iraq, I dedicate to writing some fiction, on my other blog, but I keep it all in draft form, I know a few keep snooping around, wanting all of me...

I used to enjoy writing about cooking, but I closed that down too, for now at least, I felt I was giving too much of me...

And since Iraq has been so pillaged, plundered, taken by force, I am no longer inclined to give anything of her and of me...because all was taken from us, from me...

I am thinking of starting another blog, totally anonymous, with a different name...so I can say all of me...so I can be all of me...

Maybe it's time for all of me to vanish for a while, before nothing is left of me...yeah, I think so too.





I remember the first time I danced to this song, was with my ex...it was at some gala dinner.
I can't remember much about who was there, but I do remember wearing a black dress, it went just below my knees, some old fashioned cut from the 50's, no sleeves, a bit of cleavage, maybe slightly more than a bit, because I remember him making some comment...I had my simple stiletto shoes on, black of course...and I danced like crazy that night...
I wonder what happened to this dress and this pair of shoes...I kind of miss them...

Al-Majida - A Tribute to the Iraqi Woman.

THE Iraqi woman was called AL-MAJIDA by the previous regime...MAJIDA means the noble, strong victorious one...

Of course, today's America and Iran's puppets consider the women of Iraq essential whores to be bought, sold and controlled...while the so-called feminists of the (not)civilized West, consider the women of Iraq as a "poor, sorry" group they need to save...

Well, save your breath, go and save yourselves first... we don't need your "saving" nor do we need being "saved" from those who work for you and for your filthy government like some Iraqi so-called feminists...

Go save yourselves first...go save yourselves, your women and your girls...every minute in the West, thousands of your women and girls get raped...and while you were still removing your medieval chastity belts, the women of Iraq, the women of Mesopotamia, well before you appeared from the primates caves, were playing the harp and composing verses...

As far back as the 20's, when none of you had the right to utter a voice, a vote, there were Iraqi women shouting and fighting in the face of the occupiers...the filthy Brits.

So save your breath...we gave birth to our men and we know how to deal with them...and when to deal them the deadly blow...we have millenniums of experience...

There is nothing you can teach us, nothing new under the Sun...Ishtar went down in the deepest of the Abyss and resurfaced Whole, while your were still farts in a black hole...literally.

Never mind the pictures you see...all those clad in black women, this is what they want you to see...check the pictures before your liberation, you would not see any of those masochistic self flagellating females, bowing to men in turbans...they were a minority...no one paid attention to them...we felt if they wanted to beat themselves up, let them...they will eventually come to realize who they were, and who their ancestors were... and their ancestors were not from Tehran, nor from Qum...

The media wants you to see only these masochistic women...a masochistic woman welcomes pain.
And on a subliminal level -- in your minds, she must also welcome occupation...this is how these depicted pictures work on an unconscious level...They send out the same message --- we are oppressed, liberate us.

Not so !

Not so !

I am yet to meet one Iraqi woman, from my generation, or the older generation, or the younger generation who cannot stand for herself....

Which does not mean to say that there are no abuses thanks to your "liberation". Fuck it, you were the first ones to abuse us and our bodies with your occupation. And that is not to say that our status has not suffered a major backlash thanks to your "liberation"...

But it is to say that I and other Iraqi women; the mothers, daughters from Mesopotamia will never allow, I repeat - WILL NEVER ALLOW any man, from near or far, a stranger or not...dictate us our lives...

We will pretend for a while, go along, play the game....a question of survival...but in the end, we will have our way...just like we did in the past, just like Ishtar, just like my grandmothers who could hardly read or write, just like my mother and my aunts, just like the countless Iraqi women who despite their grief and despair, manage entire families alone...alone because barbarian shits like you killed their husbands, fathers, brothers...

So if in the face of the most powerful piece of garbage on earth like the USA we can still manage our affairs alone, and be so ingenious in doing so, do you really think we need you to save us ?

So who are you going to save us from ? Save us from the same men YOU put in power and the same men you allowed to wreck havoc in our lives...or are you going to save us from yourselves ?

The Iraqi woman, the Mesopotamian, the daughter of Ishtar, the Majida, needs no saving...she only wants you OUT of her life and she will handle the rest, like she has always done...

The Iraqi woman is no meek creature...don't kid yourself. She can endure much, bear much, see much, but she is no weakling, for sure...for sure.

The Iraqi woman, the Majida can be as strong as steel, as hard as a rock, as soft as silk, as light as a feather...

We decide.

We decide who is worthy and who is not. We decide when, where and how...

And anything else, we consider trespassing, transgressing, violating...rape.

And with millenniums of knowledge and experience, we also know how to deal with that.

Go dig in our mythology, in our history, in our roots...and be warned...

Be warned...for our Wrath is merciless.

Is this Love ?

I have this urge to upload this song...every day I must listen to at least 1 Bob Marley song...
I don't know why...I just know it's a must for me.
And I have learned not to ask too many questions when it comes to tickles from the Soul.

Just the Old Fashioned Way....

That's my kind of romance, totally old fashioned,
none of this tasteless virtual undressing...
Am trying to think hard when was the last time I met a real gentleman, a mirage...
I don't think they produce old fashioned men anymore.
They produce either elusive, mercurial, deranged men who don't know what they want and who can't differentiate their ass from their head -- assuming they have one...
or they produce stiff, rigid, retrograde ones wagging morality fingers...
or they produce the instant man -- the modern sex robot whose idea of romance is dug up from a porn film...

The male EGO is such an ugly thing, but above all it is predictable and o'so boring...

Blah !




And maybe from all the male DUNG, I've met in my life --- a rose will spring.

I Won't Back Down...

CLOSED

I have closed down my Layla Anwar Kitchen. I realized why the fuck should I share with you food, when we went starving for years because your *civilized* embargo ?

Fuck you, and fuck what you eat or don't eat. I am no longer going to engage you.

And I have a strong urge to close this uncensored blog down too...

You don't deserve anything...nothing at all.

Compromise...

Had a very interesting discussion today on Twitter about marriage, love, relationships...

We "talked" about how culture from both sides of the divide puts pressure on women to either marry and/or to feel ashamed about wanting to be married...

We talked about marriage equals kids, to have them or not to have them, and what if we don't for X reason...

We talked about myths of - ideal love, soul mates, prince charming (or perfect measurement woman for men) that will rescue - not...in short about expectations and how these can be detrimental (at least from my own point of view) to relationships.

We talked about sex outside of marriage, about cohabiting without legalizing it, about male philandering, about polygamy...

And last but not least, we talked more like debated about re-introducing the concept of "good enough" in relationships...

Not bad don't you think ?

Relationships are not easy, marriage has become difficult for many reasons, romantic love is still elusive for most, there is much conditioning, inherited beliefs about what should be and what should not...

We are bombarded from all sides, whatever our culture, as to what the ideal is...an ideal that a lot of us can't reach...

Maybe the ideal is just that -- an ideal -- and it is de facto unreachable, by definition...for most.

So what's the second best ? I did say second BEST and not SECOND best.

In other words, it's still as good.

Maybe not exactly the way we envisaged it, maybe not the exact image we held and nursed in our fantasies, maybe not the exact...but still GOOD enough.

That opens up a whole new door, in my opinion....where the possible can materialize and maybe turn into an ideal...with time...

And for that to happen, compromise is necessary. Am sure grandmothers told you all about compromise...

Compromising has a bad reputation these days, in the age of self centered individualism...where everyone says "I", "Me"...with much illusions about who this "I" and "Me" really is...

As if this "I" and this "Me" is some finite object that can be grasped once and for all...as if adapting, adopting, yielding, growing, changing is not possible at all.

As if this "I" and this "Me" is set in some mould, once and for all, for eternity...

As if this "I" and this "Me" is not some product of some previous mould...inherited, conditioned, and spat out into who you are today...

The mysterious, the spontaneous, the miraculous, cannot work its way through, gently work its way through these moulds...of the "I" and the "Me".

It then comes as no surprise that societies with the highest levels of "I" and "Me" are societies in which gurus and "personal development" spring most....

Fact is -- it's all about relationships. Parental, family, intimate, professional, social...

See what I mean when I say Hell is others ?!

Cynicism aside, what is that thing that smooths it out ? Compromise, of course.

Once you are clear about WHAT you are willing to compromise about, then the WHEN to compromise becomes easy.

For that, one needs to know the WHAT. This for me means knowing first and foremost what are the most important things for you that you will NOT compromise on. Like IMPOSSIBLY compromise on...

Once that is clear in your mind, absolutely clear...then a door of many possibilities is open right ahead in front of you.

Ne Me Quitte Pas

Bof, tu restes, tu pars,
avec ou sans toi...
ne me quitte pas...
pas à pas...
quitte pas
quitte...
sans toi
sans toit.