I've become an insomniac, might as well use my time fruitfully...and by fruitfully I mean using that time to look back at things, people, places...it's funny how my perspective has completely changed in the past years, I'd say like a 180 degree turn around...maybe not so much changed, that is not the right word, more like I see things differently today, as if someone has opened my eyes...
I guess periods, protracted periods of turmoil and upheaval do that to a person, it kind of metamorphoses them, not necessarily into someone totally new but forcibly into someone different...and I feel the difference in myself...in so many ways...
I 've become so much more selective in my relationships, someone would say too selective, I disagree.
I think I have not been selective enough in the past...was too welcoming, too generous and too open and in retrospect I found that this was sheer stupidity on my part.
I and them spoke a different language and they did not merit neither my time, nor my attention, nor my energy, nor my generosity...I think my stupidity stemmed from the fact that I was unable to recognize the language they spoke...I assumed it was the same.
Ass-u-me. I remember once a friend of mine said to me...when you assume, you are making an ass out of you and me..he's right, I made an ass out of myself. Of course, I can always argue with myself that I was just following my own nature...and I guess that was stupid too.
Now am much more aware, Iraq made me much more aware actually...it kind of raised huge interrogation marks on people and on their nature...I never believed in the past that people can be willfully evil, I always blamed it on some ignorance, on some lack of understanding, on their circumstances...etc..I found excuses.
Today that is no longer the case. Today, I do realize that people can be willfully evil. And there are some I will never forgive not even when am in my grave...and I know in my religion, if the person who has been harmed does not forgive or cannot forgive, God will not forgive that person either...and until my last breath, I will never forgive some...for the horrors they've committed. And I really don't think they should be forgiven either...not that they asked for forgiveness...
The problem with such evil souls, is that they are inherently arrogant, they have no conscience left, despite them professing otherwise..one can tell the depth of their insincerity. One can tell from their faces, their expressions, the tone of their voice, and these people are doomed. They are the ones referred to in the Koran in "whose hearts there's a disease"...and their hearts are diseased to the core...they are a hopeless case.
Their trade mark is false pride and arrogance...covered with layers of other stuff...I could not spot those at first, now I do, and it does not take me much anymore, not much thinking or analyzing, it kind of pops up right in front of my eyes...
So today I believe that people can be willfully evil because their a priori intention is evil...and this is where it all starts - an intention.
There is no more room in my life for this kind of garbage people...and it does not matter who or what they are...they can be the most rich, the most good looking, the most interesting, the most educated, the most of anything...or they can come across as humble, poor, meek, simple, etc...it does not matter, because if the heart is diseased everything else is too. They are the people of the Lie. There are no two ways about it...
And God knows how many such people I have met in my lifetime...users, profiteers, false, liars, arrogant, vain, conceited, egomaniacs, covetous, jealous, envious... and some had all of these traits together..like a jackpot prize..
Am so glad I am not them..and I am so happy I don't have to live in their shoes..and I am definitely most happy there is absolutely no space for them in my life anymore...
Having said that -- finding real good quality people is not easy...finding genuine people is not easy...it's not easy because there are hardly any left...Am not saying they don't exist, am saying they are most difficult to encounter...and that applies to both men and women, by the way...
So looking back, I can see that a major spring cleaning has taken place in my life and at times without even me realizing it...as if there's been an invisible force at work, pushing out, eliminating, cleaning up the superfluous, the fake, the phony --the deceit. As if some invisible force is telling me "par la force des choses", you will not settle for falsehood anymore..as if this invisible force is telling me --and this is your true nature...not the one you thought you had before, but this one now, the one am presenting to you...and you have no choice but to accept it because this is You.
And now looking back, I understand much better why I wrote that Love without Truth is nothing but cheap sentimentalism...I really believe one can only truly love in truth and nothing else, and nothing short of that will do...
