You know something, women complain a lot about men, but frankly most of the time, they are their own worst enemies...and end up being terrible enablers of the kind of men they actually complain about.
It's like they have been socialized/brought up in the art of self-sabotage...
They favor ILLUSIONS of romantic Love to Truth, and forfeit their mental (and physical) well being and Happiness for Security.
They say -- you can't choose your family but you sure can choose your friends and I'd add you sure can choose your male partners, as well.
Some have no choice in the matter, or let me put it differently -- it might be too late for them because they are up to their necks in some rocky marriage, with kids and all...but others, those who have not tied the knot, do...and am particularly thinking of this latter category.
This friend of mine W. called me today. She sounded frantic, anxious and on the verge of a nervous collapse...
- What the hell happened to you ?
- A. has proposed
I know who A. is...He is a good looking, well connected, suave, flashy, relatively well off, dodgy, sleaze bag. I met him twice, never liked him. Actually that's the wrong word. It's not that I did not like him, he actually repulsed me...He was not vulgar or anything, just his vibes gave me the shivers...
- Ah good, this is what you wanted, no ? You've always wanted to marry A.
- Yes but, my family is not agreeing to him, and I really, really, love him but am not too sure...anymore.
- And why this doubt all of sudden ? you kept repeating (more like harassing me) that life is meaningless without him...
- I don't know Layla, maybe you can help me.
I hate it when my friends consider me some relationship agony columnist, but that's what friends are for, I suppose...even though am starting to have doubts about that too.
I thought to myself, baby steps, baby steps...one thing at a time.
- Well, you know W. am not exactly a romantic love expert...
- Oh but Layla, you do come across as so wise...Of course W. has not been a witness to my own folly...
- W., I don't know about me being wise, but let's work it through together. What is it you like about him ? Here I was, trying to be "objective."
- He's good looking, when we're together it's fun, but you know he's always busy so I don't get to see much of him, he sends me a text message every morning telling me he loves me, his friends are so interesting...(his friends are actually the pits, I met a few of them), he's financially comfortable, he's travelled a lot...(yes, am sure. I can already tell what his "travels" consisted of)
- W., you still have not told me what is it you like about him as a person ?!
- Hmm, Layla what do you mean ?
- Ya'ani, I mean what are his qualities as a person ?
A pause at the other end of the receiver...
- W., are you still here ?
- Yes am thinking, Layla...
- You're thinking or you're digging hard to find the qualities ?
- Oh Layla but I love him so...mind you, I did realize that he has been lying to me about several issues, but I love him, I really love him...
Actually rumor has it that this A. is known to be a compulsive liar. We say in Arabic -- he makes elephants fly -- everybody sees it except W., naturally.
- Hmm, what else you don't like about him, apart from the fact that he has lied to you several times ?
Another long pause...and I was getting rather impatient, as I had one hundred other things to do...damn it am not some matrimonial expert.
- Well, R. said she saw him with other women...but I think R. is lying.
Actually I saw him driving with another woman, too...
- Well, maybe R. is not lying...
- No, no, Layla, he's not like that...I know he's very busy with work, he doesn't have time for other women, and he loves me, I know he loves him...
I was starting to get edgy...I could not take this B.S. anymore. This woman knew what her guy was all about but she was denying it to herself, because she was hooked to some illusion of romantic love and the whole package that comes with it...
- Okay W., let me ask you this -- if you had a daughter and she tells you she wants to marry a copy of A. what would you tell her ?
I will stop here. Because this is a question I believe, every woman (and man) should ask herself, (himself) when she is contemplating marriage.
She should ask herself the following : Would I accept my daughter marry the type of guy, am considering as a life partner ?
and,
He should ask himself the following : Would I accept my daughter marry the type of guy I actually am ?
I know what my answer would be, but do you know what yours is ?
The proposal may sound nice to the ears, but watch out for who is making it.
I will always remember what my best friend told me "If it's bad in the beginning, it's worse in the end." And no, some things and some people don't change just because you decided to love them or just because they decided to marry you...
I better stop now, because I am definitely starting to sound like some sentimental relationship agony columnist...besides I have a wonderful, hot, spicy curry cooking and I sure don't want to spoil the whole "broth".
Bon Appétit.
Painting : Iraqi female artist, Yaqeen Al-Dulaimi
It's like they have been socialized/brought up in the art of self-sabotage...
They favor ILLUSIONS of romantic Love to Truth, and forfeit their mental (and physical) well being and Happiness for Security.
They say -- you can't choose your family but you sure can choose your friends and I'd add you sure can choose your male partners, as well.
Some have no choice in the matter, or let me put it differently -- it might be too late for them because they are up to their necks in some rocky marriage, with kids and all...but others, those who have not tied the knot, do...and am particularly thinking of this latter category.
This friend of mine W. called me today. She sounded frantic, anxious and on the verge of a nervous collapse...
- What the hell happened to you ?
- A. has proposed
I know who A. is...He is a good looking, well connected, suave, flashy, relatively well off, dodgy, sleaze bag. I met him twice, never liked him. Actually that's the wrong word. It's not that I did not like him, he actually repulsed me...He was not vulgar or anything, just his vibes gave me the shivers...
- Ah good, this is what you wanted, no ? You've always wanted to marry A.
- Yes but, my family is not agreeing to him, and I really, really, love him but am not too sure...anymore.
- And why this doubt all of sudden ? you kept repeating (more like harassing me) that life is meaningless without him...
- I don't know Layla, maybe you can help me.
I hate it when my friends consider me some relationship agony columnist, but that's what friends are for, I suppose...even though am starting to have doubts about that too.
I thought to myself, baby steps, baby steps...one thing at a time.
- Well, you know W. am not exactly a romantic love expert...
- Oh but Layla, you do come across as so wise...Of course W. has not been a witness to my own folly...
- W., I don't know about me being wise, but let's work it through together. What is it you like about him ? Here I was, trying to be "objective."
- He's good looking, when we're together it's fun, but you know he's always busy so I don't get to see much of him, he sends me a text message every morning telling me he loves me, his friends are so interesting...(his friends are actually the pits, I met a few of them), he's financially comfortable, he's travelled a lot...(yes, am sure. I can already tell what his "travels" consisted of)
- W., you still have not told me what is it you like about him as a person ?!
- Hmm, Layla what do you mean ?
- Ya'ani, I mean what are his qualities as a person ?
A pause at the other end of the receiver...
- W., are you still here ?
- Yes am thinking, Layla...
- You're thinking or you're digging hard to find the qualities ?
- Oh Layla but I love him so...mind you, I did realize that he has been lying to me about several issues, but I love him, I really love him...
Actually rumor has it that this A. is known to be a compulsive liar. We say in Arabic -- he makes elephants fly -- everybody sees it except W., naturally.
- Hmm, what else you don't like about him, apart from the fact that he has lied to you several times ?
Another long pause...and I was getting rather impatient, as I had one hundred other things to do...damn it am not some matrimonial expert.
- Well, R. said she saw him with other women...but I think R. is lying.
Actually I saw him driving with another woman, too...
- Well, maybe R. is not lying...
- No, no, Layla, he's not like that...I know he's very busy with work, he doesn't have time for other women, and he loves me, I know he loves him...
I was starting to get edgy...I could not take this B.S. anymore. This woman knew what her guy was all about but she was denying it to herself, because she was hooked to some illusion of romantic love and the whole package that comes with it...
- Okay W., let me ask you this -- if you had a daughter and she tells you she wants to marry a copy of A. what would you tell her ?
I will stop here. Because this is a question I believe, every woman (and man) should ask herself, (himself) when she is contemplating marriage.
She should ask herself the following : Would I accept my daughter marry the type of guy, am considering as a life partner ?
and,
He should ask himself the following : Would I accept my daughter marry the type of guy I actually am ?
I know what my answer would be, but do you know what yours is ?
The proposal may sound nice to the ears, but watch out for who is making it.
I will always remember what my best friend told me "If it's bad in the beginning, it's worse in the end." And no, some things and some people don't change just because you decided to love them or just because they decided to marry you...
I better stop now, because I am definitely starting to sound like some sentimental relationship agony columnist...besides I have a wonderful, hot, spicy curry cooking and I sure don't want to spoil the whole "broth".
Bon Appétit.
Painting : Iraqi female artist, Yaqeen Al-Dulaimi
