A friend of mine who knows of my blog, wrote to me, saying that she was not at all amused by my last post on Ze Lebanon, and she concluded her mail, asking me to -- tone it down, okay habibtee !(darling or chérie)
Iraqis who communicate with me also ask me to tone it down. They say to me --our struggle is one, tone it down on the Shiites and Kurds, okay ya hababa ! (good girl)
Other Arabs also tell me to tone it down. They say -- you will have the mukhabarat (security) on your back - and don't forget our "kadiyeh" (cause) okay, ya shatra ! (smart one)
Iranians tell me to tone it down too, saying -- you are very bad vomaan (woman) for insulting our Ayatollahs. Or something to this effect...
Jews and Israelis ask me to tone it down saying -- you agh (are) an aghab (arab) teghoghist ! (terrorist) and the liberal artsy fartsy add - revisionist anti-Semite !
The Americans ask me to tone it down, saying -- ya know somethin' hon, you're just a hateful person, you're just jealous of us and what we stand for ! (when they're walking around like Rambos carrying their dicks and guns on their shoulders...raping and killing everyone in sight)
The English and other Westerners also ask me to tone it down, saying -- we did what we could, you can't possibly generalize that way, you are biased and this is most disappointing - we really expected better from you ! (you can include the anti-war clowns in this lot)
Tayyeb - okay what is left now ?
If I write about gays, then am homophobic. If I write critically about women, am a sexist. If I write critically about men then am a castrating bitch. If I have a jab at Asians, Africans or Martians... am a racist. If I have a nice go at Shiites, am a sectarian. If I criticize Muslims in general, then am "munhata - a fallen woman"...If I criticize Christians - am an oppressor of minorities...
Tayyeb - okay what is left then ?
If I write about Islam, a subject that interests me personally - I get castigated with -- who do you think you are, some religious Faqih ?! (a learned one)
If I talk about my hatred of housework -- am a bourgeois spoiled bitch.
If I allude to my personal life as an Arab Muslim woman, then am not only a bourgeois spoiled bitch, but a slut who imitates the occupier, with his foul language, because a good Arab Muslim woman will never unveil her personal stuff online and she must always watch her language...
If I forget all of the above and write fiction - am told my writing sucks and I should stick to the other blogs...
So what should I write about then ?
I will write about the weather and my day to day activities - some sort of an online diary. This the kind of stuff you find on many female blogs, not excluding Arab ones. And it will go something like this...
-- It's been a hot day today. I woke up at 8 am, peed, brushed my teeth, showered, grabbed a coffee, read some boring emails, went for an appointment, came back home, grabbed a sandwich, made a few calls, went out again...
But overall it's been such an exciting day.
The weather was nice and sunny, I even went for a swim in the afternoon, and by the way, I lost 10 grams since yesterday :-) :-)... I was a good girl, I avoided choco today...ooh, and the nicest thing about today was when I met this incredibly good looking guy, sooo charming, woooooow...we chatted and he took me on a tour, in his red convertible car...WOOOW...
We exchanged numbers and am so thrilled to meet him again, in a couple of days, for a posh dinner. I wonder what I should wear for the occasion. I have this really nice sexy dress :-) :-) or do you think I should wear something less eager ??? Do you think red nail polish is okay on a first date or should I go for French manicure ??? Thanks for giving me tips coz am getting sooooo anxious, my tummy is in knots :-( :-( and I need all the support I can get.
But am not too worried coz I can tell he's so gallant, and comes from a very decent background... And he didn't even try to kiss me or anything because he's soooo respectful and well behaved...yay!!! this is sooo cool...wish me luck guys!!!! :-) :-) :-) --
I toned it down...see I can do it.
That's the sort of stuff that is neutral and will win the approval of everyone around...except maybe for the sexually obsessed religious fanatics who will still find fault and say -- " Oh my God how could you go for a ride in his car and mention sexy dresses ??? You must be such a loose woman....no morals whatsoever. "
But I am toning it down, wallah, I promise...
And since it was such a wonderful, exciting day, and I toned it down, can I tune it up instead ? Please say yes, please...
Adapted from Monty Python.
