Garbage...

It may well be that I have used that title before..so be it, am using it again.

I can't shake off that feeling of garbage, am surrounded by garbage, I breathe garbage, I touch garbage, I see garbage...and I can't take garbage no more.

I have given up changing the world of garbage, I have been taught my own limits. I can't turn the garbage into what it is not..but for fuck's sake, don't force me to live in and deal with it. I've already done so...I know the fucking garbage container by heart, I can tell you with meticulous precision what remains, rejects, will show up there...I even know the song and dance that come with the garbage ritual...the melody, the tune and the rhythm.

Please, I learned the Garbage rhyme, I know it by heart, I took pictures of it, look it's even there in my album, Please spare me the garbage of the world...my container is already full and all I want is to recycle it.

#Myths

There are all sorts of Myths or Mythical Beliefs circulating around. I am sure they must serve some purpose, otherwise they would have not survived that long. However there comes a point in life, and I have seen it happen again and again, when circumstances (people, incident, experience, happening) destroys whatever myths you have held dear and close to your heart and mind.

I have seen it again and again people crumble once their fundamental myths crumbled...as if myths kept them together, and were the basis, the structure of their foundations...only for them to realize it was just a myth. Terrible blow when this happens, but its occurrence is so frequent, I can't even begin to tell you.

When an edifice is built on myths, when a structure is held together by beliefs that receive a mortal lethal blow, the edifice crumbles. This is normal. And this is the bad news. But the good news is, with patience, and self awareness, one realizes that this was never the true edifice to start with.

I will try to keep it simple and accessible, for you as much as for myself.

I don't know -- pick and chose any myths that you hold close to your heart and mind...for example the myth of motherhood and unconditional love, or the myth of perfect relationships or the perfect partner, or the myth of total loyalty in friendships, or the myth of happy ever after, or the myth if they really loved me they would accept me totally, or the myth that people are trustworthy and act out on the best of intentions, or that if you work hard and you're competent and faithful to your job, people will recognize you and your boss won't stab you in your back...add you own myths...there are 100 of myths circulating regarding people, politics, society, love, friendships, relations, families, mothers, fathers, children...and then something happens...something that defies your central myth, that challenges it to the core..

The first reaction is  shock, a kind of soul numbness...then it dawns on you...one of your fundamental myths has been shattered to the ground. This is followed by a period of great anxiety...then by rage/anger and finally if you stick it through, by sadness and grief...all a necessary process...necessary for the NEW edifice to construct...based on REALITY. I am tempted to liken the process to giving birth to an authentic self, there is no birth without labor pangs of pain. Unless you settle for total or partial anesthesia, and some people do...they start acting out, screwing around, drinking, shopping, doing drugs, or any other form of escape from the labor pangs of the birth of the new Self..

Those who manage to go through the process without major self destruction (I call it an abortion i.e without aborting it), will realize that these fundamental myths they lived by or secretly hoped will one day materialize were necessary teachers, like some midwife if you like...only then can the person start searching for/constructing a structure that is solid, based on acceptance and reality of the situation and integrate all those parts to be able to finally look back and say ---oh yes that was me...but that is no longer me.

And if I want to push it even a little further, going through that process (labor pangs/furnace), is also a way for the Great Midwife to make you realize that all those myths you kept dearly to your heart and expected them to work out in your life, are possible but not from the people or relations you idealized...i.e not your mother, not your father, not your friends, not your lover, not the relationship, not not not...that process of DEMYSTIFICATION is to lead you to the Source where real, authentic stuff, IS finally possible.

Re-defining Sexy.

Today in between a few meetings, I took a break and walked in a shopping street...and as I was window shopping, I was thinking to myself, what do people mean by sexy ?

I know what the current, generally accepted definition of sexy is - you basically have to have a certain size, certain lips, certain smile and dress in a more or less certain way, so that people and men in particular can decide that you are sexy and therefore feel sex towards you. Tight fitting clothes for instance are today considered sexy, a certain look is sexy, pouting lips are sexy (hence the collagen frenzy), basically anything that will send a sex signal to the male brain is considered sexy...

But is that really sexy ? I mean sure it can be sexy, but once you know it, is it still sexy ? once you are aware of how it operates is it still sexy ? am not too sure.

If you are an observer of "social culture" of fashion, of media images, if you simply become aware of the prototype of what is considered sexy - my guess is that you will no longer find it sexy. Simply because the subliminal message that you've been receiving without thinking, loses its grip on you. Actually once you become aware, many things lose their grip on you.

So I continued walking, looking at window shops and thinking to myself...I have met quite a few people who did not fit the standard sexy and were sexy in their own right, just as I have met quite a few people considered to be sexy by mainstream majority opinion and I did not find them sexy at all. Mainstream sexy has become so cliché, so predictable, so well sketched out it has become risible and at times comical in a pitiful kind of way...

So what is sexy then ? aha, a million dollar question. I leave it to you to re-question and re-define it.

One thing I came out with during this one hour reflection, it was more like an insight...women who try hard to be sexy aren't sexy at all.

Who ?

I have been repeating that phrase in my mind over and over --"You must know who you are talking to!". This phrase has a story or more aptly stories.

I was with a friend in a restaurant and I overheard a conversation next to me, well actually it was not a conversation it was the guy telling the woman with him - "You must know who you are talking to!" Prior to that phrase they were discussing some thing or the other and he got irritated and that's the phrase I caught.

I went pensive for a while and my friend noticed, he asked me what was the matter with me . So I told him what I just heard, he was shocked...so was I...but that's not the whole story. The whole story or stories is that I had heard that sentence so many times before, in different contexts  - You must know who you are talking to ! My ears had gotten so used to hearing it, that I had not paid attention before.
It was so common, so much part of the vocabulary, of the discourse...that keeps reminding me as a woman to know Who I am talking to.  As if the man in front of me was some grandiose authority, some emperor of some sort...that he needs to remind me that I must know who I am talking to.

Another sentence that was also very common and am sure is still is for many women, thankfully not me anymore, since I have decided to cross out these men and their culture for good from my life, is the following - know your limits and your place. I heard it so often, during a discussion, or an argument, a quick admonishment for me to remember my place. Setting  limits to what I can or can't say, and constantly reminding me of what my place lest I lose the favors of -- You must know who you are talking to... I still hear that sentence, it is so common, so much part of the daily language, be it in reality or even in films, plays etc...

Today I can laugh about it, it has actually become my joke du jour. As a matter of fact every time this friend calls me he starts the conversation with "You must know who you are talking to ", sometimes I catch him before he does and remind him " You must know who you are talking to". We both find it hilarious...I certainly find it hilarious...pathetic and hilarious at the same time...

# Crookedness

Truth is I can't stand any form of crookedness.

I ponder on the word -- a crook, crooked, crookedness...Who in their right mind wants a crook ?

People, again, I can't cease repeating it, are STUPID. They immediately associate the word crook with money,. like some embezzler...because people have come to evaluate everything with material gain or loss...this is how crooked they are.

Crooked means crooked...it means NOT straight. And it can be associated with just about anything.

So crooked is anyone who is NOT straight.

And anything that is NOT straight is crooked and anything that is crooked is a crook in my book.

It's that simple.