Sunday 26 February 2012

Online Impact.

I was thinking today how many online "people" I came across - had a negative impact, I counted roughly 10. Then I amused myself counting how many people had a positive impact - the reply was 1.

I deduce for every 10 garbage people you come across online, you will come across one clean one.

As for the rest, they are either neutral impact or not even worth mentioning or remembering.

I must admit the ratio of 10 to 1 is pretty pitiful and mediocre. But I shall bear that in mind, more like tattoo it.

Saturday 18 February 2012

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 4.

Hopefully this will be the final part of a 4 part series on this miserable topic.  I say miserable because the perpetrator is also a miserable subject. In the long run, and looked at it from above, these kind of women are not only miserable but also tediously dull...anyone whose life is so empty must be. But then that's their problem not mine.

So the examples given in my previous post were to illustrate that ; regardless of who, what, how you are, these kind of poisonous females will always find something to jealous or envy. You may be rich, poor, pretty, ugly,  fat, thin, married, single, with children, without children, young or really doesn't matter -- envious/jealous women will always find something to envy in others. Always.

One may argue that envy/jealousy is part of human nature and surely we have all suffered pangs from it. Yes, true. However, when envy/jealousy becomes chronic, it becomes a pathology - a state of being. And that is when it becomes poisonous. And yes some women suffer from CHRONIC envy and jealousy

Pop psychology wants us to believe that the reason behind this pathological state is insecurity with self and a general dissatisfaction with oneself and with life (be it material, physical, emotional, intellectual sexual). Even though they may be some truth to these assertions, I believe the problem lies elsewhere.

This pathology and it is a pathology even though some women may not realize they have it - and there's absolutely no point trying to show them that they have it, because their first line of defense is denial or emotional blackmail/manipulation with --  "how could you possibly think that of me" trying to take you on a guilt trip. Forget that. Your instincts were right all along.  These are women who are just jealous in a sick kind of way and do not want you to succeed in any one aspect that they covet for themselves or where they feel they are lacking.

And this is where the psychological explanations are incomplete - the key word here is "lack".  And this is where this poisonous pathology is not only an emotional/mental problem but also a moral and spiritual one. And alas pop psychology is interested in neither.

Envy/Jealousy was considered one of the  cardinal sins of the soul --- why is that ? I will tell you why (at least insofar as I understand it) -- because not only does it hurt the recipient (as I explained in previous posts) and not only does it ultimately and eventually hurt the "giver" of this vile energy, but also because the subject who lets herself go, slip into this mental attitude/ state of being BELIEVES in LACK.

Which means that this woman is CUT OFF from her spiritual center, which means that this woman believes that there isn't enough to go round, which means that this woman is denying ABUNDANCE. And Abundance is one Divine attribute.  To deny one attribute of the Divine is to deny the Divine for the Divine is known in and by His Attributes.

So this mental pathology is basically a SICKNESS of the SOUL. A sickness of the soul is a DISEASE of the HEART . As the Koran says - and those in whose hearts there is a disease. Envy/Jealousy is one of them.

The remedy is in my opinion first and foremost a spiritual one and the key word for this remedy lies in another word - GRATITUDE. These women are usually not only dissatisfied with their own lives, but they are also ungrateful for what they already have/possess. So instead of practicing gratitude for what they got, they covet what others have - and instead of learning about their own selves, and what is blocking their lives and removing these blocks, they look outside of themselves. poisoning other women's lives and theirs in the process...

Now one may argue intra-male relationships also suffer from the same - possibly so. I am not a man and I don't exactly know since I have not experienced how men deal with each other. So I will leave the male reader draw his own conclusions on that subject.

And before I wrap up,  there remains an important question here, bearing in mind what I've said in my 4 posts on this matter ---  knowing the reality of intra-female jealousy (no am not in denial about that shadow aspect of the Feminine), what does female solidarity really mean and does it really exist ?

Or does female solidarity only exist if you are miserable "in need of saving" ?

I will stop here do the rest of the thinking.

And to all the females who have poisoned my life with their toxic energy -- Am today free of you but you're not free of your selves.

Thursday 16 February 2012

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 3

I need to keep on writing because I don't wish to be distracted away from the subject matter nor run away from the memories and feelings that accompany the memories. I want to face them in all their ugliness and expose them fully, and in doing so I like to believe am rendering a service to others...hopefully a way to become more reach a new level of awareness.

If am mentioning the word awareness here, it is ALSO because some of these poisonous arrows are sent forth unconsciously, outside the realm of conscious awareness of the thrower. It is not always the case though,  some are predetermined, willful, voluntary and some are not...but IT DOES NOT MATTER, because your energy field, your being, doesn't recognize what is conscious or unconscious, it will stock them.

As a matter of fact the conscious willful deliberate "sticks in your wheels" are easier to deal with. You can stop them consciously. The other less apparent, visible ones, are more difficult to detect.

As I mentioned in part 1 and 2 there are a million of ways these take place, and the ultimate aim is "not wanting you to succeed". Some of you are too literal, and they immediately associate success with material gain. I ask of you to widen your mind and take in the word Success in its larger meaning.

Whatever is your dream, your wish, your secret passion, your objective, your goal --- is your road to Success. Intra Female jealousy makes sure you will either not achieve them or be thwarted in achieving them...

I also mentioned the million of ways this takes place and now I will illustrate the ways so that you may recognize them in yourselves and in your life...

Starting from when you were a girl,  remember that girl in school who kept putting you down (they call it today bullying), remember how she made fun of how you looked, remember how she called you stupid, dumb even though you did well in class...add your own examples. Well that was no bullying that was jealousy.

You grew up into a teen, you were interested in boys, a particular boy liked you and you liked him, and you rushed to tell your girlfriend, remember how she told you he was no good, that he didn't like you at all, that he wasn't interesting or interested when your gut told you differently -- that was jealousy.

Building upon these earlier memories, am sure to find more recent ones in adulthood...and I will share a personal few here, and then I will qualify with more generalities about the women who are pathologically jealous and the possible remedy for it, if  at all.

The reason am sharing a few personal ones here is because am sure some of you will recognize it in their lives or will learn how to recognize the poison. These will not be in some chronological order, memory doesn't store in chronological order so I will type as they come along...these live examples are for me a reminder, a booster dose -- to remember the "methods" of the snake.

- Once I was in a shop trying out a dress, I was younger and naive and in need of affirmation/confirmation from an "authority"  I looked into the mirror and my first reaction was -- yes, you look real good in it.  In, walks the saleswoman, triple my size, I still remember her face. She says -- do you need some help with that. So naively I ask her what she thought of the dress on me. Her reaction was almost violent, she shook her head -- no no no, you look so fat in it. She was  triple my size and mine was a small. That was jealousy. In the same vein, I kept a few garments when I was size small, I look at the waist size, it's really  small , and I remember ALL the comments I received from "girlfriends" about how fat I was. I wasn't fat at all. I These women didn't want me to succeed in the way I looked/ in my female power of attraction. And that's  jealousy.

-  Another vivid memory, is when I was first exiled, and moved into this apartment , I had no furniture, so I bought plastic furniture which was the cheapest I could find. The type of furniture you put in your garden or balcony, basically white plastic.  But being the ingenious Iraqi that I am, I decided to beautify it. I got some cushions and some cheap but pretty throw overs, and covered this plastic furniture, added a few colorful pillows, found a second hand table for peanuts but was solid engraved wood, bought a couple of candles and some plants and flowers, hung my favorite paintings and decided to have a flat warming party. I invited a few "friends". One I remember distinctly...when she walked in she gasped. Her eyes furtively scanned the room, checking out every detail, and then in poisoned voice said - you must be rich to buy all these furniture  -- and I saw her hand move under the cushions to check out what kind of furniture it was plastic.  She was perturbed for the rest of the evening. This woman lived in a beautifully decorated villa that she owned.  These are women who don't want you to succeed in your material life. And that's  jealousy.

-  Another example of another "girlfriend", every time I shared with her my interest about a guy, she would sneak into it and suddenly that particular guy became an object of interest to her. She'd be quick to strike a friendship with him, and "innocently joke" about (because I had many of that sort) actually went as far as sleeping with my then boyfriend. She was my best friend.  When I confronted her, she said - so what I like him. These women am referring to were all married.  They just coveted what I had or wanted to have. Had I not expressed interest in these guys or shared it with them they would have not done at thing. Or the married woman who goes hysterical with her own venom  (and tries very hard to cover it up, when she knows you're dating someone she happens to know, she starts prying and snooping around to see where you are at, trying so hard to get out info from you) These are women who don't want you to succeed in your love life.  And that's  jealousy.

- Another example of another "girlfriend", who was "so sweet". When I announced to her that I was getting married, I felt the sky tumble down on her. And when I invited her to my wedding party, she was frowning all the time and then on my wedding day, later proceeded to grotesquely flirt with my then husband. That woman on the surface was full of good intentions towards me, but when push came to shove, her poison showed. She could not bear to see me happy.  She didn't want me to succeed in my marriage. That was her intention. And that's was jealousy.

-  Or the nice, innocent "girlfriend" who props you up, and supposedly encourages and admires you but her facial expression, her tone of voice, a slip or two of the tongue, belie all her "good intentions" every time you share with her that you actually achieved one little thing --as an example she'd go --- oh that's wonderful, you deserve it" but... or  --oh that's great --  and every single facial expression of hers show that she just died a little inside. These are women who don't want you to achieve anything. And that's jealousy.

-  Or the girlfriend in some sort of trouble, you have supported and helped time and time again, when she has rushed to you at odd hours of day or night, cried on your shoulder, and you cooked for her, and let her sleep over, and when she meets a guy and gets married, she invites everyone else to her wedding and not you.  Or your female friends with whom you spent much time talking and "sharing and caring", suddenly exclude you from an event that they will be all attending. These women fear you will outshine them, so they isolate you. And that's jealousy.

- Or the girlfriend who meets you in a public gathering or a party, and you look particularly good and feel particularly good in your skin that day/night and she says at the top of her voice in the middle of the crowd --  nice outfit, am sure knowing you you must have bought it so cheap, is it polyester ?  These are women who will put you down in public trying to break your social self. And that's jealousy.

- Or the student "friend" whom you have taught for years, and when asked who her teacher was, pretends she never knew you and worst of all copies, steals your work and accredits it to herself .These are women who will steal from you. And that's jealousy.

- Or the work colleague/ friend with whom you spent hours talking after work, listening to her woes and giving encouragement, advice and solutions and you find out she's been backbiting gossiping and slandering you behind your back...because you and she know- you are good at what your doing. These kind of women don't want you to succeed professionally. And that's jealousy.

- Or the girlfriend under the guise of constructive criticism will find fault in everything you say, do or create, will put it to you in a subtle way, innuendos, a slip of the tongue, a misplaced word, a look, a frown, a tone of voice, a facial expression...These are women who want you to remain where you are and better still want to break your creative you. And that's jealousy.

- Or the girlfriend, or that girlfriend or this girlfriend who will steal from you --- your things, your ideas, your work, your boyfriends, or the other who will flirt with them, or fuck them or cajole them  or the other who demeans you, mocks you,  or the other who backbites you, stabs you, or gaslights you, and and's endless...and am getting tired....

Will conclude -- if at all possible to conclude this dark chapter of women's soul -- in part 4.

to be continued...

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 2

Now for the fun part -- well actually it is not a fun part at all, it is venom in your system. And as I said in my previous post, my aim is first and foremost personal, to expiate, exorcise, and purge this venom out of my system.

Male readers must be overjoyed by now, because usually my posts are "rants" about male shadows today am offering them a breather from "bashing"and will address the female shadows. Jealousy is one of them and in my opinion one of the densest, ugliest one around.

As I said before, I will be talking from personal experience, I will recount all the million of ways female jealousy has hurt me in my being, in my self esteem, in my self confidence, in my personal relationships, in my love relationships...and there are millions of ways that this ugly snake penetrates in your system and in your life...literally a million of ways.

But if you have been the "victim" of that snake, with time you become an expert in recognizing it and very fast, very quickly... and am hoping by sharing my experience, you will find your own way to stop it before it poisons the whole of you.

So having differentiated or attempted to differentiate between envy and jealousy, I will just use for simplification's sake the word -- jealousy -- in this post.

Only God knows how much I have suffered from other women's jealousy - which I will call the poisonous arrows. Some arrows are milder than others, and some less intense and won't dig deep into your being as others, but they are poisonous arrows nonetheless.

I have experienced the whole poisonous arrow spectrum both in real life and in virtual life, in my professional life, in my "friendships",  in my social life, and even from female system, my being has been so fine tuned to these kind of arrow attacks that I IMMEDIATELY feel them coming, it does not matter how these arrows are presented, they can be wrapped up in the "nicest" of wrappings, sugarcoated, sweet talked...and these happen to be the deadliest...and sometimes they fall like pointed nails out of the blue when you least expect them, and sometimes they are plain nasty and mean in a gratuitous way.

If one is not aware, which I wasn't before and had to learn the hard way to recognize them, one does not know what is happening to oneself. I sure didn't. For many years, I would feel depleted when am with x, y, or z and not know why.  I would leave a gathering, a meeting, a conversation and feel so down for no apparent reason. I felt my energy sapped out of me, my self esteem down in my socks, my confidence in my being demolished to zero and I would not know why... It took me many, many  years,  to recognize the snake and to have the courage to call it by its name. It wasn't easy, it wasn't a one day transformation and it wasn't a straightforward required much poisonous arrows for me to wake up. The flip side is now -- am so allergic to that character trait in women that I have limited my female friendships to the strict minimum. Acquaintances are a different ball game, I can brush these off easily, but in female friendships where I have invested, it becomes more difficult. In other words, I find myself now in avoidance mode and when am not in avoidance mode, I am cautious. Why ? Because women who are jealous of you, deep down don't want you to succeed. That's why. And that's putting it simply.

Why you may think to yourself, you must be paranoid Layla. No am far from being paranoid, I am actually very lucid and aware...because I know that these arrows and the people who throw them are ENERGETIC parasites and/or vampires. (women are not the only ones that qualify as energetic parasites/vampires men do too, but since the topic is intra female jealousy I will stick to females)

If you are TUNED IN, you will IMMEDIATELY feel an Energetic parasite/vampire. You will feel it in your energy level and if you are not tuned into your energy level you will feel it in your body, or in your emotional being and you will brush it off as feeling "down". Or the atmosphere around you changes, it becomes heavy, dull, you say I need fresh air, something is not right, some static parasite was in the air, you are right to feel that way...the static parasite is not only in the air but is in your energy field, in you.

But I will not get into that aspect now because most of you will not understand it. What I will do and am doing it for primarily for me is to list a sample of the million of ways how these arrows can be recognized. I will draw on my memory and on those instances that I recall so vividly past and not so past to illustrate what am talking about.

And for that I need another chapter, to break it down in small pieces, so I can finally digest and vomit it out

to be continued in part 3...

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 1

I am hoping this is going to be an exercise in exorcism - a purging of women's dark least for me, and insofar as it has affected me in all aspects of my life. I am hoping to close this chapter once and for all. I know it will not be possible to eradicate it because I don't have this power in me, but I am hoping to shut it and no longer allowing it to write itself in my life story.

Truth of the matter is ever since I can remember, I have almost always been the object of jealousy, other's women jealousy. This poison has seeped in my life and has destroyed much and this is the topic I wish to tackle this morning - Female Jealousy, or more specifically intra-female jealousy.

I will primarily base this post on my personal life experiences, occasionally borrowing from other women's experiences that they cared to share with me, fusing them into a story with the aim of revealing that ugly snake that women try very hard to contain, or because for politically correct reasons  - in the name of feminism and female solidarity, this venomous snake continues to wreck havoc in intra female relationships because hardly anyone wishes to expose it to light.

This post may be a long or short one, I don't know how it will unfold yet...but before I start I need to make a differentiation here and to me it is quite important. Jealousy is a heavy loaded word and much goes under its heading. It is important to differentiate different types of Jealousy when it comes to women.

We tend to mix envy and jealousy together - they are not the same, although they may feel the same.  Envy is the coveting of what another person has (or is perceived to have), be it material, physical, social, intellectual, emotional and even spiritual. Envy does feel like jealousy for both the "giver" and the "recipient" and hence the blurring of both.  Envy is wanting what other people have in a jealous way. In other words, envy is wanting what other people have and jealousy is the conscious or unconscious arrow that will try to poison what that other person has or is perceived to have.

One can be envious in a positive way without poisoning. I give you an example. I may like what you have, and maybe will try to emulate the ways in which you got what you have, without wanting to poison you. I will probably ask you questions as to how you managed to achieve that, I will try to learn from you, see what qualities were required, what was your blueprint for achieving that particular thing...I will turn you into my teacher on that particular topic/thing . I will learn from you because you have been put on my path with a present to offer -- that of your experience -- in that particular thing.

Let me give a concrete example that one can apply across the board for other things. Let's say you are a very successful writer - or more aptly someone I consider to be an excellent writer.  Instead of simply envying your talents/ skills as a writer, I will approach you to learn from you, not grab from you, not steal from you nor to copy you but learn from you and you will know upfront that a) I admire your writing skills and b) I wish to learn from you what it takes to become a successful writer.  In other words you will become my teacher on that particular issue.

This is insofar as positive "envy" goes. As you can see it is no longer "envy as in covetousness" but is transformed into learning...

Also for the sake of concision, I need to differentiate between intra- female jealousy and female jealousy in male/female relationships. In other words, am not referring to  jealousy in intimate relationships. Nor am I referring to intra sibling rivalry which is also jealousy. I will simply address intra female jealousy - i.e jealousy between women  in their personal relationships, be it professional, social, friendships etc.. The former types of jealousy , even though related in some way, will not be addressed in this post.

continued in part 2.

Tuesday 14 February 2012

Valentine's Day Bullshit.

Am escaping from the Twitter bullshit with 10004582525520456362 tweets per second on Valentine.  Everyone is suddenly so amorous.

People are such idiots, they oscillate between puppets on a string and good pavlovian dogs, you pull one string or ring one bell, and they will dance or salivate for is drooling day.

So much sheer pure undiluted crap has been written about "love", today the crap exceptionally stinks big time as the old Persian proverb says - don't stir old shit, it will smell worse.

It's not that I have anything against love, or anything along these lines. Quite the opposite I believe that Love is the force that drives you...but not the kind of love that is being sold today or any other day for that matter of fact.

Nor do I have anything against expressing your love for whoever today, with a bouquet of flowers or renewing your commitment...quite the opposite, but today if there's anything called Valentine, your expression of "love" should be the cherry on top on a cake not the cake itself...nor is it some mush horseshit where you rush to the nearest shop to buy your "token" of love.

People don't understand that they are psychologically  trained/ prepared in advance, before that St.Valentine crap day, to go into amorous mode so they can buy that card, that ring, that bouquet, that whatever...

Why wait for the 14th of February to demonstrate your love ? You are ridiculous and that's putting it mildly...

All this nonsense spewed on the topic of "love" makes me nauseous. I know way too much about how people act, think, and behave to believe that nonsense. I have seen way too much poisonous, toxic, relationships of all kinds to believe that you can redeem your love on the 14th of February. I know way too much about human nature, the hidden and the overt to believe in mush sentimentalism...

I believe in intention and in action. I believe that love is to care and the day I stop caring, is the day I stop loving. And caring is not limited nor reduced to words.  All the rest of sugar coated parables, the rose watered declarations mean nothing to me if throughout the rest of the year, you have behaved worse than an ass...carelessly tramping, slyly manipulating, grotesquely using, parasitically living off, willfully lying and the rest of the abominations that characterize "human" relations. What were your intentions and actions before St Valentine's and what are they after this date....this is what counts and this the bottom line.

All the rest is not even third grade cheap hallmark cards poetry, the rest is just Bullshit. And today it smells particularly bad.

Now if you excuse me, I promised a friend I will cook for him today, not because it's Valentine's but because I care to feed him.

Thursday 2 February 2012


The dirtiest game in town is Politics. I repeat - the DIRTIEST game in town is politics.

The question is can one stay "clean" and be political ? If you are to follow any political party, movement, person, that is going to be very difficult to remain "clean."

I learned that nothing, NOTHING is black and white, and particularly so in politics. everything is more or less shades of gray...from very dark gray to very light gray...this is my color spectrum...and by this spectrum, by this palette of essentially a mix of two colors, do I evaluate and judge things, particularly politics.

Hence my distance from heavy clich├ęs and loaded jargon in politics...I like to strip the language, the discourse...and hold it to my color palette....

It's really quite simple.