All About Me...

Oh wait, my narcissism is nothing compared to yours...the amount of self praising shit I read online, I pale dimly in comparison.

And why not after all? Am not a bad deal. Actually am a very good deal. And for once am not writing about others, giving them my time and energy...am writing about me.

The title is kind of misleading...I never say all about me...the very important essential crucial stuff remains with me. People are always under the impression that they really know me well...but they don't. It's just an impression. I have corners in my self that no one can reach...but I have reached them. I know myself very well. I spent a lifetime getting to know myself...I think this is one of my greatest achievements and one of my best investments.

It was hard, took a lot of effort, courage, time, energy, but I like the end result - I am no stranger to myself.

I am no stranger to myself at all...I may feel like a stranger or strange to many people, but am no stranger to myself. I inhabit me, I take up the space inside of me...there is no hollowness, no emptiness, no shallowness...I've dived as far as I could and as deeply as I could...

Am sure there is more...but that I will uncover later...in the process, in due time...

I was not raised like a spoiled girl...I learned delayed gratification, I learned to wait, I learned patience...later on I learned endurance and perseverance...these are off shoots of Patience.

Shallowness is a big turn off for me...I find in it the epitome of Pettiness...Shallowness for me is the antithesis of the Cosmos, of the Universe, of its depth and its vastness. I can't stand petty shallow people. I find them to be a waste of life. This reminds me of a book I read sometimes ago - the little man in the box. This is how I view petty people...little men and women in square boxes. And am not easily impressed either...what impresses other people easily does not impress me at all. It takes much to impress me. And non of it has to do with quantity. For me quality is primordial because quality has the power to transform...

I was always viewed as different, from a very early age, am not sure different from what or from whom...but different...

In the beginning, this perception by others bothered me, made me want to hide, today I assume it, I wear it with pride, a badge of honor.

It was nothing physical, or the way I looked, it was just the way I was...apart.

Apart is the right word ...yes apart. Apart from the crowd, apart from the group, apart from the peers...Just apart.

Maybe I was born that way, to be apart...I don't know, but it's always been there and am very fine with it. I inhabit that "apart" and am no stranger in my own territory. I know my inner house and all of its dwellings very well...hence I can know the other easily...without much analysis, or thought...it just kind of jumps to my face...within seconds.

It's not a rational knowing, it's a different kind of knowing...very hard to explain in words...maybe instinctive, intuitive, archaically limbic...and beyond...

I am not sure why am writing all of this...who cares, it is my diary after all...an online diary...beats talking about my latest hairdo, my wardrobe, my nails, my love affairs, or what I had for breakfast...

Well that kind of sums it up for now...by no means all comprehensive or exhaustive...my house is of many mansions.

Cleaning Dirt from Under a Carpet.

Woke up this morning with a very powerful dream. I have to write it down so I won't forget.

I dreamt I was in a huge living room, modern looking, with colorful cushioned seats, I knew no one there, a mix of people...

I wanted to find a place to sit, but there was none. Someone suggested a seat with no back, like a huge cushion and its color was white. I had to carry it so as to bring it closer to this very modern colorful looking salon, so I can be near the crowd.

As I lifted this huge white cushion, I saw an amass of dirt underneath it. Tons of dust. I thought to myself this is so weird, this place looks so modern and colorful with all these friendly babbling people, how come all this dust ?

Then I lifted the huge carpet that was covering the floor, and I saw millions of particles of dirt, like miniscule dirty grey snow flakes covering the whole surface of this modern lodgings.

And as I kept lifting the carpet, I saw more and more of the dirt gathered in heaps...

Then I remember saying to myself in the dream -- I need to clean all of that...this must be swept, cleaned right away.


I understand what this dream means to me.

The modern colorful living room where all kinds of "friendly" babbling strangers are gathered is the social media Twitter.

And beneath all the niceties, the so-called friendliness, the modern style, the bright colors, lies heaps of dust, like grey dirty snow flakes...

Flakes, flakes....Fakes, Fake.

A Purification process.

Sugarcoating...

I must admit, am not too good at sugarcoating.

Iraqis are known to have other skills but this one.

I am not particularly fond of sugar either...so you can understand how difficult it is for me to sugarcoat...

The people that are most proficient at it in the Middle East are the Iranians, the Lebanese, the Syrians,the Egyptians and to a slightly lesser degree the Palestinians. Am sure they sugarcoat in the Arab Gulf too, but then I am not a Gulf expert.

As for me, I've always been allergic to sugarcoating. There is something very pervert about it, very false, very phony and very misleading...

Granted, wearing satin gloves to deliver a truth may pay...Indians and Pakistanis are experts in that too, by the way.

As for me, spare me your satin gloves...your methods of delivering the truth is more hurtful than the truth itself.

OK, am not saying you should punch me in the face instead...all am saying is -- spare me your fake niceties, your pathetic attempts at ego management...

I have no ego when it comes to Truth. I accept it raw. IF I feel it to be true.