Tuesday 7 October 2008

Cause Perdue...

I don't know if you have noticed, but I hardly ever write anything during the day. The day for me is not conducive, I prefer night time to get in touch with my thoughts and feelings.

However, there are always exceptions to the rule, and this morning I feel like pounding away at my keyboard.

I must admit, I am rather pissed off, and have been feeling pissed off for quite some time. This pissed off feeling sometimes metamorphoses itself into a "blah" feeling.

Oscillating between pissed off and blah, really. Every time I talk to my family I get the pissed off feeling and then as the conversation eases, the blah feeling washes over. It is always the same story, the same never ending stories from Baghdad.

And as the days pass by, I feel more and more powerless and more and more pissed off, I think we, they, I, have been shelved into oblivious forgetfulness. Placed somewhere on a shelf gathering dust.

They say to me - we need this, this is lacking, we don't have that, so and so is in dire straits. Then I receive mails of more of the same. So and so is in prison, so and so needs money, so and so is ill, so and so is this and so and so is that...

I get pissed off from my feelings of powerlessness and from the indifference that surrounds them and I. I want to help, I want to do something but I feel whatever I do is never enough. It is not because they are unappreciative, it is simply because there is so much to be done and so few people doing it.

After a while the feeling of pissed off eases and the blah feeling overtakes. It's a kind of a blah feeling derived from a resignation to what is. Really when I want to dig deeper, it is nothing but a deep sadness resulting from the realization that this is the way it has become and this is the way it is most likely to remain.

On another personal note, I am also pissed off by someone who has been playing some pretty screwed up mind games with me. Well I know how mind games work, but they tire me and once I move beyond the pissed off feeling, I get into that blah again and say to myself - fuck it - let them play on their own and I shall just pretend along... And obviously mind game players never admit to their games, it is part of their little sick perversion. They may think it's titillatingly "smart and sexy", I just think it's another cause perdue.

Basically I find myself stuck in games, political and/or personal. As if this grotesque occupation has attracted nothing but that...I need freedom asap.

I am so fucking tired of the human race and so fucking tired of people. I sometimes fantasize am some Robinson Crusoe on my own little island. I want to see, hear, touch no one. I know myself well enough. When I get to that stage, all I want to do is cocoon myself, turn into some little ball in some corner, or maybe become a hermit and cut all ties with the outside world. Maybe I too, will become another cause perdue, adding itself to all the other perditions...

Painting : Iraqi female artist, Betool Fekaiki.