Thursday 16 February 2012

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 1

I am hoping this is going to be an exercise in exorcism - a purging of women's dark least for me, and insofar as it has affected me in all aspects of my life. I am hoping to close this chapter once and for all. I know it will not be possible to eradicate it because I don't have this power in me, but I am hoping to shut it and no longer allowing it to write itself in my life story.

Truth of the matter is ever since I can remember, I have almost always been the object of jealousy, other's women jealousy. This poison has seeped in my life and has destroyed much and this is the topic I wish to tackle this morning - Female Jealousy, or more specifically intra-female jealousy.

I will primarily base this post on my personal life experiences, occasionally borrowing from other women's experiences that they cared to share with me, fusing them into a story with the aim of revealing that ugly snake that women try very hard to contain, or because for politically correct reasons  - in the name of feminism and female solidarity, this venomous snake continues to wreck havoc in intra female relationships because hardly anyone wishes to expose it to light.

This post may be a long or short one, I don't know how it will unfold yet...but before I start I need to make a differentiation here and to me it is quite important. Jealousy is a heavy loaded word and much goes under its heading. It is important to differentiate different types of Jealousy when it comes to women.

We tend to mix envy and jealousy together - they are not the same, although they may feel the same.  Envy is the coveting of what another person has (or is perceived to have), be it material, physical, social, intellectual, emotional and even spiritual. Envy does feel like jealousy for both the "giver" and the "recipient" and hence the blurring of both.  Envy is wanting what other people have in a jealous way. In other words, envy is wanting what other people have and jealousy is the conscious or unconscious arrow that will try to poison what that other person has or is perceived to have.

One can be envious in a positive way without poisoning. I give you an example. I may like what you have, and maybe will try to emulate the ways in which you got what you have, without wanting to poison you. I will probably ask you questions as to how you managed to achieve that, I will try to learn from you, see what qualities were required, what was your blueprint for achieving that particular thing...I will turn you into my teacher on that particular topic/thing . I will learn from you because you have been put on my path with a present to offer -- that of your experience -- in that particular thing.

Let me give a concrete example that one can apply across the board for other things. Let's say you are a very successful writer - or more aptly someone I consider to be an excellent writer.  Instead of simply envying your talents/ skills as a writer, I will approach you to learn from you, not grab from you, not steal from you nor to copy you but learn from you and you will know upfront that a) I admire your writing skills and b) I wish to learn from you what it takes to become a successful writer.  In other words you will become my teacher on that particular issue.

This is insofar as positive "envy" goes. As you can see it is no longer "envy as in covetousness" but is transformed into learning...

Also for the sake of concision, I need to differentiate between intra- female jealousy and female jealousy in male/female relationships. In other words, am not referring to  jealousy in intimate relationships. Nor am I referring to intra sibling rivalry which is also jealousy. I will simply address intra female jealousy - i.e jealousy between women  in their personal relationships, be it professional, social, friendships etc.. The former types of jealousy , even though related in some way, will not be addressed in this post.

continued in part 2.