Friday 24 April 2009

Take a Chance on Me, hon ;-)

I hate the word hon . Honey is fine but not hon! But am using it anyway, for a specific purpose. You will find out why, soon...

I read that there is this tall, handsome (they all say that), millionaire, living in Michigan, and drives an American car (maybe some ex automotive industry tycoon gone bankrupt) and he's looking for a wife.

His ad says that men are very visual (yes, tried living with a guy who was a professional ogler, he was given the boot in no time), very shallow (yes, am not surprised either - goes hand in hand with visual) and very superficial (no shit - who would have guessed ?!)

I confess, when I first read his ad - actually it was a caption of some video I spotted whilst I was checking my mail box - I got curious. The writing was too small, and I had no reading glasses...(stop sneering, he did not specify age)

I just saw "rich, handsome, tall, millionaire, looking for wife ...4 D's..."

I thought to myself 4D's. What the fuck is that ? Tried solving this enigma and gave myself exactly 60 seconds to do so.

4D's - could he be looking for a quadruple D cup ? Nah, too far fetched...Quadruple D is huge...He should not be advertising on Fox news for that, he needs to check the porn sites instead. Mind you Fox news is like an official porn queen with some luck he might "stumble upon" a 4D

Or maybe he meant 4D's as in derrière. Like a quadruple size butt ?
Again, too surreal. He may need to settle for a female elephant instead.

Maybe he meant, 4D's as in double D cup and double derrières. That sounded more realistically plausible, but non applicable in my case. (I guess I don't stand a chance)

Got tired of figuring out what his 4D's were, so I clicked on the video. Turns out that this very tall - giraffe suitor, is looking for 4B's and not 4D's as I previously mis-read.

4B's - Beauty (wow, how novel!), body (wow, how original!), brains (ah, finally!) and balance (ok, am out!) but he did specify no petites - minimum 5.6 but 5.5 will do too, "no deal breaker." (I still stand a chance).

Our suitor is a very tall dude and "does not want to hurt his neck looking down on a petite lady."
And am sure a petite lady does not wish to break her neck staring up (hello hon, what's the weather like up there ?) or carry a stool with her whenever he is around, (just a minute hon, let me climb and give you a kiss)

Anyways, Mr Giraffe has received so many applications (he lives in Michigan, so no competition there, I still stand a chance), that he has called onto some matchmaker to help him out. Her fees, 50'000 dollars up front (sounds like a high class pro to me).

That's not a bad lucrative business that matchmaking business. Got me thinking about solving my financial worries - open a matchmaking agency in occupied Baghdad.

A sect neutral agency or should I make it sect specific ? - that really got me thinking...

A standard ad would go like that :

- Handsome, bigamous, nouveau riche, sectarian, fraudulent, corrupt, occupation arriviste, seeks a third wife. Young virgins only.


- Handsome, educated, orphaned man, who just lost his family to the militias, seeks a Florence Nightingale look-alike. Sectarian, clad women need not apply. Must be willing to live in a ghetto.


- Handsome, university graduate seeks a mate outside of Iraq for marriage and political asylum - Christian women welcomed.

Do you think I will make some dough that way or should I just continue pursuing the secret, anonymous giraffe look-alike millionaire from Michigan ?

I'll sleep on that...

This ad also got me thinking about arranged marriages.

You know how Westerners and in particular "feminists" are always lamenting on the fate of "those poor Muslim women who are forced into arranged marriages."

Theoretically speaking, there are no forced marriages in Islam. A woman must ALWAYS give her consent and she must be able to see and sit with her suitor BEFORE accepting to marry the guy.

And in the majority of arranged marriages (which are getting quite scarce, by the way) where the family or some well wishing mediator is involved in the matchmaking, that is the case -- a would-be bride gives her consent AFTER meeting her potential suitor.

So how is that so different from our American dude looking for a bride through a matchmaking agency ? At least in our case, there is no 50'000 dollars paid up front.

For me there is no difference at all.

The only difference is the classical whining of those Westerners who look on and offer their critical appraisal of this "backward" process. They seem to overlook, however, the growing number of matchmaking matrimonial agencies, charging phenomenal sums to find suitable partners for their candidates.

The same goes for polygamy by the way, but I shall keep that for another chapter...

So what do you think ? Should I submit my application to our Michigan giraffe
look-alike suitor ? Will he take a chance on me ?

Painting : I don't know who painted this. I just received it by "coincidence" from a friend of mine - who seems to be reading my Arab Woman thoughts ;-)