There's NO Will of the People

At the risk of sounding a pompous, arrogant, elitist...let me tell you something  -- "People's will" is a MYTH.

Collectively, people don't have a will, they have common grievances. It is not because people are essentially stupid -- (which they are for the most part), it is because people are first and foremost motivated by immediate self interests.  When there is self interest, there is NO will. It's logic.

Any leader understands this basic equation and capitalizes on it, playing it to the maximum.

Hence, any derivative of the "will of the people" is mere chimera. Democracy is one of them.

As To Why I Am Not Writing...

Madad Ya Rasul Allah

Today, almost all the Arabic radio stations I listened to played a Nasheed praising Habib Allah, Al Mustafa, RasulAllah, Mohammed - A thousand prayers and blessings be upon him.


So I am playing one too. This one by Sheikh Hamza Shakur, Syrian master of the mystical song.


 

Leave it to Time....

Am in an Um Kulthum mood.

You don't know who Um Kulthum is ? Tough, stick to your rap and other crap music. We don't belong to the same league.

 In a Hadith, God says to the effect -- Don't curse Time for I am Time.

 Zaman or Dahr in Arabic, is literally translated as Time, but this is not an adequate translation. Time is Wakt. Zaman or Dahr implies an active Time - the best and closest that comes to mind is a "karmic" Time. A Time that is not indifferent, a Time that counts, that weighs, that turns things and people around....

 Anyway, I love this song by Um Kulthum - Hassibak lil Zaman - I will leave you to Time.

 I am not happy with the existing translations, so I shall translate that excerpt myself.

Needless to say Arabic Tarab (the art of classical singing) - the adjective is mutarib - meaning being in a state of turbulence, in a shaken /confused/disoriented state, not oneself.  So Tarab is the art of singing and of listening. Obviously if you're not into it, you will understand nothing. Which in itself is not a bad thing, because Tarab can do without people like you.

Regrets after me
will remain inside of your heart
gnawing at it, in pain
much better than a lifetime of reproaches 
tomorrow you will wish
that I blame or reproach you
I will not blame nor reproach you
No,
I shall leave you to Time
complain, I will never ask after you
cry, I will have no mercy for your tears
you,
who had no mercy for me
when my heart was in your hands
days have now come back (full cycle)
against you.

I shall leave you
to the one who has no mercy
and on whom you have no power
I will not tell you, you already know what Time can/will do

Time has states 
it so often changes things
at every turn
it replaces
laughs with deep woes

Complain, I will not ask after you
cry I will have no mercy for your tears
you, you who had no mercy for me
when my heart was in your hands
days have now come back (full cycle)
against you.

The Sacredness of Books.

Every time I think of my library, my heart is filled with grief…I had a unique library, with books that are all out of print now…I transported them from Paris, London, Frankfurt, Cairo…rare books, important books that cover every topic on the Arabs and Islam…I can’t even bring myself to write about it without tears flowing down my face --  it saddens me so…what happened to my books ?—— the barbarians, the ignorant barbarians destroyed years of work, of amassing, collecting, indexing this wealth, this invaluable wealth, this treasure of knowledge, of information, of history, of…..

Why has this come to mind ? It has always been on mind, it never leaves my mind…every time I think of a topic, my mind goes immediately to a book in which I know I will find an answer, a cue to my perplexed questions…

One book title has been flashing before my eyes for a month now. The book by J.Chelhod - Les Structures du Sacré chez les Arabes / The Structure of the Sacred in the Arabs. An important anthropological book…so important. Where will I find it again ? Publishers no longer print these kind of books, they are too engrossed publishing garbage on “war on terror” “jihad” and the “threat from the East”

And am desperately searching for Sacred Structures...

Time - a little Wisdom.

My grandmother may God bless her soul was a very wise woman...she was illiterate, could not read, write, so that gave her ample time to contemplate...just shows that a formal education is not necessarily conducive to beneficial knowledge.

She was some fiery character too, a rebel in her own way, within the limits imposed by her own context, environment, and she refused to accept Bullshit from anyone...she didn't care who the person in front her was...she would say what she needed to say.

I think also the fact that she was illiterate, made her very intuitively alert, she could sense people, their motives, and their intentions...towards the end of her life, she was considered some sort of misfit, she could no longer fit anywhere with anyone...but I was somehow the exception. She always had her arms wide open for me...so I'd stay with her for many days, we would cook together, and she'd tell me stories, her lost hopes, her unfulfilled wishes, her broken desires, her smashed dreams....also other stories about people, people I knew, people who were related, her childhood, her parents, the home where she grew up, she'd describe it in great details to me....and after each of my "sessions" with her - she'd conclude with "rah el hwaya buka el kaleel" - meaning what has gone by is greater than what is left...

I suppose those who grow in age feel the same way - what is left is way less than what has gone...

Truth be Told....

You know something, us Arab, Muslim women have been brought up to be disgustingly faithful and loyal even when neither is deserved...I can't speak on behalf of other Muslim women, but am quite sure it equally applies...

Our men range from spoiled brats to downright bastards, and no there's nothing cute about them...unless you happen to be a western wannabee woman, who is into "different races" to prove to her own how open minded she is or to try to prove "how a feminist can finally change a man's mind" and /or "embrace the exotic"...

In my book, Western women don't count,. however much they "convert". Sorry--- I know the song and dance all too well and let's call it quits for just now. However if you do insist, I am all too pleased to open another chapter about "western female reverts"....but for your sake, I pray you don't push. Because trust me you will read stuff that is not much to your liking.

Did I unknowingly say it all without saying it ?

I suppose I did.

P.S: I was listening the other day to some Arab Palestinian Sheikh by the name of Adnan or the other, am bad with names (thankfully for him), who was all praise for Western "reverts" praising what piety and understanding of "Deen" / Religion they had ...Did the Sheikh not know that "reverts" did not have to bear the brunt of centuries of his/theirs "dickheadedness" like "local Muslim females "did?!

Folly...

Either, am losing it...or the Folly is just palpable...my greatest "Jihad" is to remain sane - Insha'Allah.
No - there is a Folly...not as in foolish, but as in a raving Insanity, an epidemic of Insanity. This is no comedy but a very serious matter...the Imbalance has reached such levels, that it has become irremediable.

I feel the Folly in everything and everyone I see. In people, in friends, in politics, in religious folks, in scholars, in preachers, in families, in relationships...

I am not sure if this is part of the very deep upheaval the Arab world is going through, very very deep...I am not sure if it is a crisis of "modernity" or that "modernity" carries the seeds of Folly slowly germinating, I am not sure if this Folly is the civilized face of Schizophrenia...or a culture in its last throes of either death or rebirth...

However I do not see it limited to "us"....I see it in also in the so-called "civilized" world...the malignancy of Folly, permeating everything...

I feel a little scared by this vision...I feel it is going to get worse, I feel the Folly expanding everywhere...I feel it out of control...am a little scared...yes a little scared.

Healthy Assumptions.

From this day onward, I solemnly promise myself to assume that everyone I come across is : a liar, a crook, a deceiver, an opportunistic self seeker, a fake phony illusionist, a two faced hypocrite, an envious jealous vermin, an idiot, and an ignoramus.

By doing so, I shall be doing justice to the great majority...by doing so I am grounding myself in reality, and by doing so I am opening myelf to the possibilities of being pleasantly surprised should my assumptions turn out misplaced.

Tomorrow Is My Turn...

Musings on Consumerism...

I like to be organized, I can be messy but still there's order in my mess. How so ? am not quite sure, but this is what I like to tell myself.

So part of my "organizational" skills is to save receipts. My way of filing receipts in shoving them in shoe box,  with a label : receipts + the year. They are untidily "filed" but you got to admit there's a sense of organization there.

Anyways, this pile of shoe boxes started to really irk me. I decided to do something about it, throw them in the garbage. But the receipt hoarder in me argued - what if you need that particular receipt ? you never know who can come along and make a fraudulent claim, surely you must go through each shoe box, and check them out one by one before chucking them away.

Well these receipts have nothing to do with real important stuff. It's not a rent, electricity or phone bill receipt, it's just a bloody receipt like - Supermarket x, 25.2.2007 . Why would anyone keep a supermarket receipt ? Or sandals purchase Pretty Woman shop, dated 3.6.2008, and so on and so forth...

I opened each shoe box, the ink had faded and frankly I could not be bothered checking every single receipt, I just took them bundle by bundle and threw them in a garbage bag.

And while doing so I castigated myself rather severely for succumbing to non essentials, a shirt here, a scarf there, a dress in between, a lipstick here, a perfume there and so on and so forth all mixed with receipts for cucumbers, milk, tomatoes, toilet paper and soap. But still, I assure you am organized.

And while I was on the verge of some heavy handed self flagellation (Iraqis are good at that, well some are), and while angrily tearing each receipt cursing myself, I started pondering about consumerism...or the act of buying.

I do realize the ethos in consumerism is not limited to buying but is rather more complex, but for me this is what consumerism boils down to - buying in order to ---- (fill in the blanks)

In between -- did you really need those sandals back in 2008 and my politically/economically driven reflective mode, I asked myself the following question - what if every adult stopped buying non essentials. The essentials for me being:  food, soap, toilet paper, detergents, shampoo and a few more things. Assuming of course that every adult already has the bare essentials - a roof over their head, some furniture, a stove, a fridge, a toilet/bathroom, enough clothes to cover their bodies, shoes, electricity and running water.

Assuming every adult on the face of this earth already has these basics, what if every one stops buying. Just stop. No Books, no clothes, no CDs, no gadgets, no cars, no jewelry, no cosmetics -----(fill in the blanks).

And what if every adult only bought what they would consume or use in the immediate - what would happen then ?

Obviously a deadly blow to consumerism : to retail shops, to market chains, to restaurants, to the leisure industry, to TV and radio networks, to industry in general, except maybe for food and agro-business, since people have to eat. And maybe a few shops that would sell the same clothes and shoes for everyone. Imagine - you need a pair of shoes, sure thing, you only get to chose the size. We will all be dressed the same a bit like Mao's uniforms. Quite dull I must add.

But then my train of thought took me further than this first deadly blow, if we stop consuming/ buying, shops will close, plants will close, and who will suffer most ? those who are made redundant. The man or woman on the production line, these are the ones that will be the hardest hit. Now we are talking of millions and million of unemployed men and women. What will we do then ? How will we create jobs for them and who will employ us ? Unless they/us forcefully take over the "means of production", we are all screwed. But what if no one forcefully takes over the "means of production", what then ? Because this is what happened in the great depression, no one took over anything, people just took over their lives - suicide.

So I kept tearing away at these old useless receipts, thinking to myself, let's turn this around girl. How about you stop flagellating yourself and look at the "positive".

For starters I kept a few workers in their jobs, ok granted maybe the boss made the greatest chunk of the profits, but at least they had a job, and I sort of contributed to it by buying that shirt, or this book, or these pair of sandals.

Now this is no license for extravaganza, nor is it a license for bulimic consumerism, but there is an ancient wisdom that says when you let it circulate, everyone benefits. I know it sounds rather simplistic to some, particularly if you are a political economist hell bent on some radical revolution in the name of this or that ideology, but at the end of the day, I believe that whatever the system, there will always be a seller and a buyer...and there will always be someone who is making a profit, maybe not as savagely as now, maybe more moderately, with more "ethics" but frankly am not holding my breath.

And by the way no more shoe boxes for me.

Humility...

Do you have any idea how many attempts at a password I need to use before entering my own blog ?!
Do you have any fucking idea how many a times I have been hacked and had to retrieve my account ?!
Do you know how many times I had to change my password to blog ?
No you have no fucking idea, but I do.
Why do you think this is so ?

I  haven't even mentioned the numbers of threats here...everyday even when am silent, am threatened...do you have any fucking idea why am hated so much ?

Down There with You...2012

I asked Him
where were you when...


It was dark and damp
down there
alone 
 in total obscurity
a black veil covering 
my sight, separating me, us...


No Light
no human touch
no compassionate
voice
you ask of me mercy
you leave me down there
in the abyss
of foreign hands
of sticks, stones
of fire surging from dragons mouths
lacerating my body
my soul


No Light
just a cell
with my back 
against a cold indifferent wall
I reach out 
another cold hard wall
my breath constricted
unable to inhale, exhale
fear, the stone in my stomach
my only food
my only nourishment
day and night
day became night
and night became day
falling into a long night
the Layl of my being.


I said to you 
fine take me 
You wanted surrender
and I did
the animal
beaten into submission
tamed into silence
the silence of death


For I died
a thousand times,
occasionally
tears, reminded me of
of water 
of out there
of
rivers, where people sit by their banks
laughing, hugging
sea shores where cool breeze
caresses the  hair
streams that
bare feet playfully tease
rain, when it hits my window 
snow and icebergs
where my tears froze in waiting
Water
water of baths that purify
water that quenches
on hot summer days
the water of life
flowing in my tear...


Stuck, a prisoner
in a dry dark well
an abandoned Joseph
an outcast
the scorn and envy of others
dumped in a well
out of sight
days, months, years passed
and you left me there
in an infinite moment
praying for rain
eating earth
mud 
worms
swallowing 
stones
snakes
and bitter, caustic venom
in a place
with no life
and no death


I cried out 
then
as I cried out 
today
So where were You when...


I waited
defiant, challenging minutes
seconds
challenging the silence
of an Eternity
I waited just like I waited 
in that cell
in that well
where dreams were forbidden
where wounds sang soothing lullabies
rocking me 
in sleepless nights


I repeated the question
demanding, requesting, a reply
So where were You when... 
as if this is was your last chance to prove
as if this was our final goodbye
before we part ways
before I turn my back
before I walk out...


So where were You 
then
when...


"I was down there with you "
you gently said.


The Layl of my Being  May 2012.

Respect.

Respect - what does it REALLY mean ?

Way too many use that word but don't really think about its meaning. Are there many types of respect, and if yes which ones. Is there a general respect and a particular respect ?  Is respect an a priori state or is it an earned trait ? Is respect culturally ideologically bound or is it an all encompassing concept regardless ?

People are quick to jump to their guns and give you a whole verbal diarrhea  of what respect means...I think it is time to really stop and reconsider the definitions and redefinitions of respect.

Can you respect a thief, a liar, a manipulator, an embezzler, a crook, a torturer, a rapist, a thug, a killer  --- is there anything about what they say or do worthy of respect ?

Can  you respect a racist, a misogynist ?

Can you respect nations that pillage, plunder, destroy, devastate ?

Are the above categories worthy of respect ?

Can a transgressor be respected ?

If you are to respect the right to life ...then those who take away the right to life are not worthy of respect.

Opinions : people say you are to respect people's opinions. What does that mean - respect people's opinions. People are entitled to their opinions, I may or may not respect the content of their opinions. People say you are to respect people's life styles and choices. People are entitled to choose their life styles, I don't see why am obligated to respect that.

People confuse respect with tolerance. One can tolerate without necessarily respecting.  But then again what is tolerable and what is not, what is acceptable and what is not. Aren't these notions again, culturally, politically bound to a particular time and context ?. Of course they are.

I just think that respect, tolerance, acceptance are not as black and white as people like to believe they are.  The instant take away discourse wants you to believe it is so, mass production of words that are in vogue. Reality of meanings is a different story.

A Writer's Brick ?

Is it a brick or a block ?
Brick upon brick on my chest, I haven't been writing much, I fear vomiting bricks. Vomiting more truths and the edifices will crumble even more...am silent out of mercy...maybe.

Garbage...

It may well be that I have used that title before..so be it, am using it again.

I can't shake off that feeling of garbage, am surrounded by garbage, I breathe garbage, I touch garbage, I see garbage...and I can't take garbage no more.

I have given up changing the world of garbage, I have been taught my own limits. I can't turn the garbage into what it is not..but for fuck's sake, don't force me to live in and deal with it. I've already done so...I know the fucking garbage container by heart, I can tell you with meticulous precision what remains, rejects, will show up there...I even know the song and dance that come with the garbage ritual...the melody, the tune and the rhythm.

Please, I learned the Garbage rhyme, I know it by heart, I took pictures of it, look it's even there in my album, Please spare me the garbage of the world...my container is already full and all I want is to recycle it.

#Myths

There are all sorts of Myths or Mythical Beliefs circulating around. I am sure they must serve some purpose, otherwise they would have not survived that long. However there comes a point in life, and I have seen it happen again and again, when circumstances (people, incident, experience, happening) destroys whatever myths you have held dear and close to your heart and mind.

I have seen it again and again people crumble once their fundamental myths crumbled...as if myths kept them together, and were the basis, the structure of their foundations...only for them to realize it was just a myth. Terrible blow when this happens, but its occurrence is so frequent, I can't even begin to tell you.

When an edifice is built on myths, when a structure is held together by beliefs that receive a mortal lethal blow, the edifice crumbles. This is normal. And this is the bad news. But the good news is, with patience, and self awareness, one realizes that this was never the true edifice to start with.

I will try to keep it simple and accessible, for you as much as for myself.

I don't know -- pick and chose any myths that you hold close to your heart and mind...for example the myth of motherhood and unconditional love, or the myth of perfect relationships or the perfect partner, or the myth of total loyalty in friendships, or the myth of happy ever after, or the myth if they really loved me they would accept me totally, or the myth that people are trustworthy and act out on the best of intentions, or that if you work hard and you're competent and faithful to your job, people will recognize you and your boss won't stab you in your back...add you own myths...there are 100 of myths circulating regarding people, politics, society, love, friendships, relations, families, mothers, fathers, children...and then something happens...something that defies your central myth, that challenges it to the core..

The first reaction is  shock, a kind of soul numbness...then it dawns on you...one of your fundamental myths has been shattered to the ground. This is followed by a period of great anxiety...then by rage/anger and finally if you stick it through, by sadness and grief...all a necessary process...necessary for the NEW edifice to construct...based on REALITY. I am tempted to liken the process to giving birth to an authentic self, there is no birth without labor pangs of pain. Unless you settle for total or partial anesthesia, and some people do...they start acting out, screwing around, drinking, shopping, doing drugs, or any other form of escape from the labor pangs of the birth of the new Self..

Those who manage to go through the process without major self destruction (I call it an abortion i.e without aborting it), will realize that these fundamental myths they lived by or secretly hoped will one day materialize were necessary teachers, like some midwife if you like...only then can the person start searching for/constructing a structure that is solid, based on acceptance and reality of the situation and integrate all those parts to be able to finally look back and say ---oh yes that was me...but that is no longer me.

And if I want to push it even a little further, going through that process (labor pangs/furnace), is also a way for the Great Midwife to make you realize that all those myths you kept dearly to your heart and expected them to work out in your life, are possible but not from the people or relations you idealized...i.e not your mother, not your father, not your friends, not your lover, not the relationship, not not not...that process of DEMYSTIFICATION is to lead you to the Source where real, authentic stuff, IS finally possible.

Re-defining Sexy.

Today in between a few meetings, I took a break and walked in a shopping street...and as I was window shopping, I was thinking to myself, what do people mean by sexy ?

I know what the current, generally accepted definition of sexy is - you basically have to have a certain size, certain lips, certain smile and dress in a more or less certain way, so that people and men in particular can decide that you are sexy and therefore feel sex towards you. Tight fitting clothes for instance are today considered sexy, a certain look is sexy, pouting lips are sexy (hence the collagen frenzy), basically anything that will send a sex signal to the male brain is considered sexy...

But is that really sexy ? I mean sure it can be sexy, but once you know it, is it still sexy ? once you are aware of how it operates is it still sexy ? am not too sure.

If you are an observer of "social culture" of fashion, of media images, if you simply become aware of the prototype of what is considered sexy - my guess is that you will no longer find it sexy. Simply because the subliminal message that you've been receiving without thinking, loses its grip on you. Actually once you become aware, many things lose their grip on you.

So I continued walking, looking at window shops and thinking to myself...I have met quite a few people who did not fit the standard sexy and were sexy in their own right, just as I have met quite a few people considered to be sexy by mainstream majority opinion and I did not find them sexy at all. Mainstream sexy has become so cliché, so predictable, so well sketched out it has become risible and at times comical in a pitiful kind of way...

So what is sexy then ? aha, a million dollar question. I leave it to you to re-question and re-define it.

One thing I came out with during this one hour reflection, it was more like an insight...women who try hard to be sexy aren't sexy at all.

Who ?

I have been repeating that phrase in my mind over and over --"You must know who you are talking to!". This phrase has a story or more aptly stories.

I was with a friend in a restaurant and I overheard a conversation next to me, well actually it was not a conversation it was the guy telling the woman with him - "You must know who you are talking to!" Prior to that phrase they were discussing some thing or the other and he got irritated and that's the phrase I caught.

I went pensive for a while and my friend noticed, he asked me what was the matter with me . So I told him what I just heard, he was shocked...so was I...but that's not the whole story. The whole story or stories is that I had heard that sentence so many times before, in different contexts  - You must know who you are talking to ! My ears had gotten so used to hearing it, that I had not paid attention before.
It was so common, so much part of the vocabulary, of the discourse...that keeps reminding me as a woman to know Who I am talking to.  As if the man in front of me was some grandiose authority, some emperor of some sort...that he needs to remind me that I must know who I am talking to.

Another sentence that was also very common and am sure is still is for many women, thankfully not me anymore, since I have decided to cross out these men and their culture for good from my life, is the following - know your limits and your place. I heard it so often, during a discussion, or an argument, a quick admonishment for me to remember my place. Setting  limits to what I can or can't say, and constantly reminding me of what my place lest I lose the favors of -- You must know who you are talking to... I still hear that sentence, it is so common, so much part of the daily language, be it in reality or even in films, plays etc...

Today I can laugh about it, it has actually become my joke du jour. As a matter of fact every time this friend calls me he starts the conversation with "You must know who you are talking to ", sometimes I catch him before he does and remind him " You must know who you are talking to". We both find it hilarious...I certainly find it hilarious...pathetic and hilarious at the same time...

# Crookedness

Truth is I can't stand any form of crookedness.

I ponder on the word -- a crook, crooked, crookedness...Who in their right mind wants a crook ?

People, again, I can't cease repeating it, are STUPID. They immediately associate the word crook with money,. like some embezzler...because people have come to evaluate everything with material gain or loss...this is how crooked they are.

Crooked means crooked...it means NOT straight. And it can be associated with just about anything.

So crooked is anyone who is NOT straight.

And anything that is NOT straight is crooked and anything that is crooked is a crook in my book.

It's that simple.

Online Impact.

I was thinking today how many online "people" I came across - had a negative impact, I counted roughly 10. Then I amused myself counting how many people had a positive impact - the reply was 1.

I deduce for every 10 garbage people you come across online, you will come across one clean one.

As for the rest, they are either neutral impact or not even worth mentioning or remembering.

I must admit the ratio of 10 to 1 is pretty pitiful and mediocre. But I shall bear that in mind, more like tattoo it.

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 4.

Hopefully this will be the final part of a 4 part series on this miserable topic.  I say miserable because the perpetrator is also a miserable subject. In the long run, and looked at it from above, these kind of women are not only miserable but also tediously dull...anyone whose life is so empty must be. But then that's their problem not mine.

So the examples given in my previous post were to illustrate that ; regardless of who, what, how you are, these kind of poisonous females will always find something to jealous or envy. You may be rich, poor, pretty, ugly,  fat, thin, married, single, with children, without children, young or old...it really doesn't matter -- envious/jealous women will always find something to envy in others. Always.

One may argue that envy/jealousy is part of human nature and surely we have all suffered pangs from it. Yes, true. However, when envy/jealousy becomes chronic, it becomes a pathology - a state of being. And that is when it becomes poisonous. And yes some women suffer from CHRONIC envy and jealousy

Pop psychology wants us to believe that the reason behind this pathological state is insecurity with self and a general dissatisfaction with oneself and with life (be it material, physical, emotional, intellectual sexual). Even though they may be some truth to these assertions, I believe the problem lies elsewhere.

This pathology and it is a pathology even though some women may not realize they have it - and there's absolutely no point trying to show them that they have it, because their first line of defense is denial or emotional blackmail/manipulation with --  "how could you possibly think that of me" trying to take you on a guilt trip. Forget that. Your instincts were right all along.  These are women who are just jealous in a sick kind of way and do not want you to succeed in any one aspect that they covet for themselves or where they feel they are lacking.

And this is where the psychological explanations are incomplete - the key word here is "lack".  And this is where this poisonous pathology is not only an emotional/mental problem but also a moral and spiritual one. And alas pop psychology is interested in neither.

Envy/Jealousy was considered one of the  cardinal sins of the soul --- why is that ? I will tell you why (at least insofar as I understand it) -- because not only does it hurt the recipient (as I explained in previous posts) and not only does it ultimately and eventually hurt the "giver" of this vile energy, but also because the subject who lets herself go, slip into this mental attitude/ state of being BELIEVES in LACK.

Which means that this woman is CUT OFF from her spiritual center, which means that this woman believes that there isn't enough to go round, which means that this woman is denying ABUNDANCE. And Abundance is one Divine attribute.  To deny one attribute of the Divine is to deny the Divine for the Divine is known in and by His Attributes.

So this mental pathology is basically a SICKNESS of the SOUL. A sickness of the soul is a DISEASE of the HEART . As the Koran says - and those in whose hearts there is a disease. Envy/Jealousy is one of them.

The remedy is in my opinion first and foremost a spiritual one and the key word for this remedy lies in another word - GRATITUDE. These women are usually not only dissatisfied with their own lives, but they are also ungrateful for what they already have/possess. So instead of practicing gratitude for what they got, they covet what others have - and instead of learning about their own selves, and what is blocking their lives and removing these blocks, they look outside of themselves. poisoning other women's lives and theirs in the process...

Now one may argue intra-male relationships also suffer from the same - possibly so. I am not a man and I don't exactly know since I have not experienced how men deal with each other. So I will leave the male reader draw his own conclusions on that subject.

And before I wrap up,  there remains an important question here, bearing in mind what I've said in my 4 posts on this matter ---  knowing the reality of intra-female jealousy (no am not in denial about that shadow aspect of the Feminine), what does female solidarity really mean and does it really exist ?

Or does female solidarity only exist if you are miserable "in need of saving" ?

I will stop here ...you do the rest of the thinking.

And to all the females who have poisoned my life with their toxic energy -- Am today free of you but you're not free of your selves.

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 3

I need to keep on writing because I don't wish to be distracted away from the subject matter nor run away from the memories and feelings that accompany the memories. I want to face them in all their ugliness and expose them fully, and in doing so I like to believe am rendering a service to others...hopefully a way to become more aware...to reach a new level of awareness.

If am mentioning the word awareness here, it is ALSO because some of these poisonous arrows are sent forth unconsciously, outside the realm of conscious awareness of the thrower. It is not always the case though,  some are predetermined, willful, voluntary and some are not...but IT DOES NOT MATTER, because your energy field, your being, doesn't recognize what is conscious or unconscious, it will stock them.

As a matter of fact the conscious willful deliberate "sticks in your wheels" are easier to deal with. You can stop them consciously. The other less apparent, visible ones, are more difficult to detect.

As I mentioned in part 1 and 2 there are a million of ways these take place, and the ultimate aim is "not wanting you to succeed". Some of you are too literal, and they immediately associate success with material gain. I ask of you to widen your mind and take in the word Success in its larger meaning.

Whatever is your dream, your wish, your secret passion, your objective, your goal --- is your road to Success. Intra Female jealousy makes sure you will either not achieve them or be thwarted in achieving them...

I also mentioned the million of ways this takes place and now I will illustrate the ways so that you may recognize them in yourselves and in your life...

Starting from when you were a girl,  remember that girl in school who kept putting you down (they call it today bullying), remember how she made fun of how you looked, remember how she called you stupid, dumb even though you did well in class...add your own examples. Well that was no bullying that was jealousy.

You grew up into a teen, you were interested in boys, a particular boy liked you and you liked him, and you rushed to tell your girlfriend, remember how she told you he was no good, that he didn't like you at all, that he wasn't interesting or interested when your gut told you differently -- that was jealousy.

Building upon these earlier memories, am sure to find more recent ones in adulthood...and I will share a personal few here, and then I will qualify with more generalities about the women who are pathologically jealous and the possible remedy for it, if  at all.

The reason am sharing a few personal ones here is because am sure some of you will recognize it in their lives or will learn how to recognize the poison. These will not be in some chronological order, memory doesn't store in chronological order so I will type as they come along...these live examples are for me a reminder, a booster dose -- to remember the "methods" of the snake.

- Once I was in a shop trying out a dress, I was younger and naive and in need of affirmation/confirmation from an "authority"  I looked into the mirror and my first reaction was -- yes, you look real good in it.  In, walks the saleswoman, triple my size, I still remember her face. She says -- do you need some help with that. So naively I ask her what she thought of the dress on me. Her reaction was almost violent, she shook her head -- no no no, you look so fat in it. She was  triple my size and mine was a small. That was jealousy. In the same vein, I kept a few garments when I was size small, I look at the waist size, it's really  small , and I remember ALL the comments I received from "girlfriends" about how fat I was. I wasn't fat at all. I These women didn't want me to succeed in the way I looked/ in my female power of attraction. And that's  jealousy.

-  Another vivid memory, is when I was first exiled, and moved into this apartment , I had no furniture, so I bought plastic furniture which was the cheapest I could find. The type of furniture you put in your garden or balcony, basically white plastic.  But being the ingenious Iraqi that I am, I decided to beautify it. I got some cushions and some cheap but pretty throw overs, and covered this plastic furniture, added a few colorful pillows, found a second hand table for peanuts but was solid engraved wood, bought a couple of candles and some plants and flowers, hung my favorite paintings and decided to have a flat warming party. I invited a few "friends". One I remember distinctly...when she walked in she gasped. Her eyes furtively scanned the room, checking out every detail, and then in poisoned voice said - you must be rich to buy all these furniture  -- and I saw her hand move under the cushions to check out what kind of furniture it was...it was plastic.  She was perturbed for the rest of the evening. This woman lived in a beautifully decorated villa that she owned.  These are women who don't want you to succeed in your material life. And that's  jealousy.

-  Another example of another "girlfriend", every time I shared with her my interest about a guy, she would sneak into it and suddenly that particular guy became an object of interest to her. She'd be quick to strike a friendship with him, and "innocently joke" about me...one (because I had many of that sort) actually went as far as sleeping with my then boyfriend. She was my best friend.  When I confronted her, she said - so what I like him. These women am referring to were all married.  They just coveted what I had or wanted to have. Had I not expressed interest in these guys or shared it with them they would have not done at thing. Or the married woman who goes hysterical with her own venom  (and tries very hard to cover it up, when she knows you're dating someone she happens to know, she starts prying and snooping around to see where you are at, trying so hard to get out info from you) These are women who don't want you to succeed in your love life.  And that's  jealousy.

- Another example of another "girlfriend", who was "so sweet". When I announced to her that I was getting married, I felt the sky tumble down on her. And when I invited her to my wedding party, she was frowning all the time and then on my wedding day, later proceeded to grotesquely flirt with my then husband. That woman on the surface was full of good intentions towards me, but when push came to shove, her poison showed. She could not bear to see me happy.  She didn't want me to succeed in my marriage. That was her intention. And that's was jealousy.

-  Or the nice, innocent "girlfriend" who props you up, and supposedly encourages and admires you but her facial expression, her tone of voice, a slip or two of the tongue, belie all her "good intentions" every time you share with her that you actually achieved one little thing --as an example she'd go --- oh that's wonderful, you deserve it" but... or  --oh that's great --  and every single facial expression of hers show that she just died a little inside. These are women who don't want you to achieve anything. And that's jealousy.

-  Or the girlfriend in some sort of trouble, you have supported and helped time and time again, when she has rushed to you at odd hours of day or night, cried on your shoulder, and you cooked for her, and let her sleep over, and when she meets a guy and gets married, she invites everyone else to her wedding and not you.  Or your female friends with whom you spent much time talking and "sharing and caring", suddenly exclude you from an event that they will be all attending. These women fear you will outshine them, so they isolate you. And that's jealousy.

- Or the girlfriend who meets you in a public gathering or a party, and you look particularly good and feel particularly good in your skin that day/night and she says at the top of her voice in the middle of the crowd --  nice outfit, am sure knowing you you must have bought it so cheap, is it polyester ?  These are women who will put you down in public trying to break your social self. And that's jealousy.

- Or the student "friend" whom you have taught for years, and when asked who her teacher was, pretends she never knew you and worst of all copies, steals your work and accredits it to herself .These are women who will steal from you. And that's jealousy.

- Or the work colleague/ friend with whom you spent hours talking after work, listening to her woes and giving encouragement, advice and solutions and you find out she's been backbiting gossiping and slandering you behind your back...because you and she know- you are good at what your doing. These kind of women don't want you to succeed professionally. And that's jealousy.

- Or the girlfriend under the guise of constructive criticism will find fault in everything you say, do or create, will put it to you in a subtle way, innuendos, a slip of the tongue, a misplaced word, a look, a frown, a tone of voice, a facial expression...These are women who want you to remain where you are and better still want to break your creative you. And that's jealousy.

- Or the girlfriend, or that girlfriend or this girlfriend who will steal from you --- your things, your ideas, your work, your boyfriends, or the other who will flirt with them, or fuck them or cajole them  or the other who demeans you, mocks you,  or the other who backbites you, stabs you, or gaslights you, and and and...it's endless...and am getting tired....

Will conclude -- if at all possible to conclude this dark chapter of women's soul -- in part 4.

to be continued...

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 2

Now for the fun part -- well actually it is not a fun part at all, it is venom in your system. And as I said in my previous post, my aim is first and foremost personal, to expiate, exorcise, and purge this venom out of my system.

Male readers must be overjoyed by now, because usually my posts are "rants" about male shadows today am offering them a breather from "bashing"and will address the female shadows. Jealousy is one of them and in my opinion one of the densest, ugliest one around.

As I said before, I will be talking from personal experience, I will recount all the million of ways female jealousy has hurt me in my being, in my self esteem, in my self confidence, in my personal relationships, in my love relationships...and there are millions of ways that this ugly snake penetrates in your system and in your life...literally a million of ways.

But if you have been the "victim" of that snake, with time you become an expert in recognizing it and very fast, very quickly... and am hoping by sharing my experience, you will find your own way to stop it before it poisons the whole of you.

So having differentiated or attempted to differentiate between envy and jealousy, I will just use for simplification's sake the word -- jealousy -- in this post.

Only God knows how much I have suffered from other women's jealousy - which I will call the poisonous arrows. Some arrows are milder than others, and some less intense and won't dig deep into your being as others, but they are poisonous arrows nonetheless.

I have experienced the whole poisonous arrow spectrum both in real life and in virtual life, in my professional life, in my "friendships",  in my social life, and even from female strangers...my system, my being has been so fine tuned to these kind of arrow attacks that I IMMEDIATELY feel them coming, it does not matter how these arrows are presented, they can be wrapped up in the "nicest" of wrappings, sugarcoated, sweet talked...and these happen to be the deadliest...and sometimes they fall like pointed nails out of the blue when you least expect them, and sometimes they are plain nasty and mean in a gratuitous way.

If one is not aware, which I wasn't before and had to learn the hard way to recognize them, one does not know what is happening to oneself. I sure didn't. For many years, I would feel depleted when am with x, y, or z and not know why.  I would leave a gathering, a meeting, a conversation and feel so down for no apparent reason. I felt my energy sapped out of me, my self esteem down in my socks, my confidence in my being demolished to zero and I would not know why... It took me many, many  years,  to recognize the snake and to have the courage to call it by its name. It wasn't easy, it wasn't a one day transformation and it wasn't a straightforward thing...it required much poisonous arrows for me to wake up. The flip side is now -- am so allergic to that character trait in women that I have limited my female friendships to the strict minimum. Acquaintances are a different ball game, I can brush these off easily, but in female friendships where I have invested, it becomes more difficult. In other words, I find myself now in avoidance mode and when am not in avoidance mode, I am cautious. Why ? Because women who are jealous of you, deep down don't want you to succeed. That's why. And that's putting it simply.

Why you may think to yourself, you must be paranoid Layla. No am far from being paranoid, I am actually very lucid and aware...because I know that these arrows and the people who throw them are ENERGETIC parasites and/or vampires. (women are not the only ones that qualify as energetic parasites/vampires men do too, but since the topic is intra female jealousy I will stick to females)

If you are TUNED IN, you will IMMEDIATELY feel an Energetic parasite/vampire. You will feel it in your energy level and if you are not tuned into your energy level you will feel it in your body, or in your emotional being and you will brush it off as feeling "down". Or the atmosphere around you changes, it becomes heavy, dull, you say I need fresh air, something is not right, some static parasite was in the air, you are right to feel that way...the static parasite is not only in the air but is in your energy field, in you.

But I will not get into that aspect now because most of you will not understand it. What I will do and am doing it for primarily for me is to list a sample of the million of ways how these arrows can be recognized. I will draw on my memory and on those instances that I recall so vividly past and not so past to illustrate what am talking about.

And for that I need another chapter, to break it down in small pieces, so I can finally digest and vomit it out

to be continued in part 3...

A Dark Chapter in Women's Souls. 1

I am hoping this is going to be an exercise in exorcism - a purging of women's dark chapters...at least for me, and insofar as it has affected me in all aspects of my life. I am hoping to close this chapter once and for all. I know it will not be possible to eradicate it because I don't have this power in me, but I am hoping to shut it and no longer allowing it to write itself in my life story.

Truth of the matter is ever since I can remember, I have almost always been the object of jealousy, other's women jealousy. This poison has seeped in my life and has destroyed much and this is the topic I wish to tackle this morning - Female Jealousy, or more specifically intra-female jealousy.

I will primarily base this post on my personal life experiences, occasionally borrowing from other women's experiences that they cared to share with me, fusing them into a story with the aim of revealing that ugly snake that women try very hard to contain, or because for politically correct reasons  - in the name of feminism and female solidarity, this venomous snake continues to wreck havoc in intra female relationships because hardly anyone wishes to expose it to light.

This post may be a long or short one, I don't know how it will unfold yet...but before I start I need to make a differentiation here and to me it is quite important. Jealousy is a heavy loaded word and much goes under its heading. It is important to differentiate different types of Jealousy when it comes to women.

We tend to mix envy and jealousy together - they are not the same, although they may feel the same.  Envy is the coveting of what another person has (or is perceived to have), be it material, physical, social, intellectual, emotional and even spiritual. Envy does feel like jealousy for both the "giver" and the "recipient" and hence the blurring of both.  Envy is wanting what other people have in a jealous way. In other words, envy is wanting what other people have and jealousy is the conscious or unconscious arrow that will try to poison what that other person has or is perceived to have.

One can be envious in a positive way without poisoning. I give you an example. I may like what you have, and maybe will try to emulate the ways in which you got what you have, without wanting to poison you. I will probably ask you questions as to how you managed to achieve that, I will try to learn from you, see what qualities were required, what was your blueprint for achieving that particular thing...I will turn you into my teacher on that particular topic/thing . I will learn from you because you have been put on my path with a present to offer -- that of your experience -- in that particular thing.

Let me give a concrete example that one can apply across the board for other things. Let's say you are a very successful writer - or more aptly someone I consider to be an excellent writer.  Instead of simply envying your talents/ skills as a writer, I will approach you to learn from you, not grab from you, not steal from you nor to copy you but learn from you and you will know upfront that a) I admire your writing skills and b) I wish to learn from you what it takes to become a successful writer.  In other words you will become my teacher on that particular issue.

This is insofar as positive "envy" goes. As you can see it is no longer "envy as in covetousness" but is transformed into learning...

Also for the sake of concision, I need to differentiate between intra- female jealousy and female jealousy in male/female relationships. In other words, am not referring to  jealousy in intimate relationships. Nor am I referring to intra sibling rivalry which is also jealousy. I will simply address intra female jealousy - i.e jealousy between women  in their personal relationships, be it professional, social, friendships etc.. The former types of jealousy , even though related in some way, will not be addressed in this post.

continued in part 2.

Valentine's Day Bullshit.

Am escaping from the Twitter bullshit with 10004582525520456362 tweets per second on Valentine.  Everyone is suddenly so amorous.

People are such idiots, they oscillate between puppets on a string and good pavlovian dogs, you pull one string or ring one bell, and they will dance or salivate for you...today is drooling day.

So much sheer pure undiluted crap has been written about "love", today the crap exceptionally stinks big time as the old Persian proverb says - don't stir old shit, it will smell worse.

It's not that I have anything against love, or anything along these lines. Quite the opposite I believe that Love is the force that drives you...but not the kind of love that is being sold today or any other day for that matter of fact.

Nor do I have anything against expressing your love for whoever today, with a bouquet of flowers or renewing your commitment...quite the opposite, but today if there's anything called Valentine, your expression of "love" should be the cherry on top on a cake not the cake itself...nor is it some mush horseshit where you rush to the nearest shop to buy your "token" of love.

People don't understand that they are psychologically  trained/ prepared in advance, before that St.Valentine crap day, to go into amorous mode so they can buy that card, that ring, that bouquet, that whatever...

Why wait for the 14th of February to demonstrate your love ? You are ridiculous and that's putting it mildly...

All this nonsense spewed on the topic of "love" makes me nauseous. I know way too much about how people act, think, and behave to believe that nonsense. I have seen way too much poisonous, toxic, relationships of all kinds to believe that you can redeem your love on the 14th of February. I know way too much about human nature, the hidden and the overt to believe in mush sentimentalism...

I believe in intention and in action. I believe that love is to care and the day I stop caring, is the day I stop loving. And caring is not limited nor reduced to words.  All the rest of sugar coated parables, the rose watered declarations mean nothing to me if throughout the rest of the year, you have behaved worse than an ass...carelessly tramping, slyly manipulating, grotesquely using, parasitically living off, willfully lying and the rest of the abominations that characterize "human" relations. What were your intentions and actions before St Valentine's and what are they after this date....this is what counts and this the bottom line.

All the rest is not even third grade cheap hallmark cards poetry, the rest is just Bullshit. And today it smells particularly bad.

Now if you excuse me, I promised a friend I will cook for him today, not because it's Valentine's but because I care to feed him.

Politics...

The dirtiest game in town is Politics. I repeat - the DIRTIEST game in town is politics.

The question is can one stay "clean" and be political ? If you are to follow any political party, movement, person, that is going to be very difficult to remain "clean."

I learned that nothing, NOTHING is black and white, and particularly so in politics. everything is more or less shades of gray...from very dark gray to very light gray...this is my color spectrum...and by this spectrum, by this palette of essentially a mix of two colors, do I evaluate and judge things, particularly politics.

Hence my distance from heavy clichés and loaded jargon in politics...I like to strip the language, the discourse...and hold it to my color palette....

It's really quite simple.

P.T.S.D

I counted the number of wars I've lived through, excluding Intifadas and the Arab "Spring"...they amount to 9. These are the ones I remember ;

1967, 1973, 1976, 1980, 1982, 1990, 2003, 2006, 2008, plus the intifidas, plus the Arab "springs" Libya, Syria, etc...

That's a hell of a lot. The minute I feel am getting over my PTSD, I get a new booster dose.

A state of constant upheaval, and no you don't get used to it. Well you think you got used to it but you don't. Not really...something inside of you dies each time...and the thing that is left alive becomes raw like red hot coal...

I think about how many were killed and buried...since my earliest memories ? thousands, thousands...

I don't like flippancy, hence I have zero respect for the younger generations who had it somewhat easier...whose memories are numbed with MTV and ROTANA video clips... I have zero respect because they haven't read history, am not talking of ancient history here, you can forget about ancient history with them, they won't find it on kindle and e-books, am talking about recent history and 1967 onwards is not that far back.

I hate their flippancy, their cocksure resemblance of knowledge, their petty ideologies and their ignorance. That's a fact. Even though only one or two generations separate us but I feel the gap is huge, like over a hundred years. They too cause me another kind of PTSD.

Over and above wars and a crap generation who doesn't bother to learn shit, who doesn't bother to learn the important stuff, I have PTSD from Arab and Muslim men whom I shall call the "Eastern" man.

I am traumatized by these men, seriously. I find my whole experience with them traumatic, just like the wars I was subjected to. Their lies, their double standards, their comedy, their bad theatrical plays, their violence, their abuse, their infidelities, their hypocrisy, their ego centrism, their pretenses, their fake appearances, their cultural schizophrenia, their machismo, their spoiled natures, their hypocrisy, their cowardice...I can go and on.. all of that has traumatized me...

Yes maybe there are some good ones around but am not a laboratory and am not willing to experiment the good from the bad. I've seen enough.

I keep being told - all your fingers are not of the same length. .but no one has the honesty to tell me ---all the fingers belong to the same hand.

Maybe am jaded or désabusée as they say in French, it's possible. And am sure other races have the same problems or worse...but I don't really care about others...this is MY context and this is MY reality.

A Series of Dreams...

I need to remember them, I am opting to record them here and not in my notepad. And I need not justify why either, because I know some of you are so curious in a very unhealthy kind of way, bordering on --- you fill in the blanks. Stealing souls maybe ?

It is said that when you are asleep your soul is stolen away from you, taken to another realm, another reality, another world...ancient people believed so, hence the importance of Dreams.

All dreams are carriers of a message. ALL DREAMS. Sometimes the message is a personal one, sometimes it is a premonitory one, and sometimes it just tells you that you ate too much before going to sleep and that you need to go to bed on a relatively empty stomach.

So faithful to my ancestors, I record dreams, in private and in public...I am generous that way, I offer up my "psyche" for scrutiny. I can't access your dreams but I allow you occasionally to access mine...and always with a purpose. Dreams teach me and I teach in return.

Hence I shall title each dream for "convenience" sake.


No Man's Land

I saw myself stuck at the borders, frontiers of two countries, where the language was not clear, it a mix of English, Arabic, something with no identity. I was trying to move forward from one customs post to another and in between both countries, there was a stretch of land that belonged to no country, to no government, to no one. A very short, small, limited
stretch of land, squeezed in between two checkpoints. CUSTOMS checkpoints.

So I presented my documents to one and he kept staring at my papers, and they were all in order, but he found something wrong with them and me. He said -- you are lacking a stamp here. I said there's nothing lacking here, ALL IS COMPLETE. He insisted that I lacked something. He ordered me to go back, to return miles to get a stamp of some sort. I went back and returned with the RIGHT STAMP. He checked my documents again and again found something wrong with them. Incomplete - he ordered. There was always something WRONG with MY documents/Identity.
This time I was adamant - NO THEY ARE COMPLETE.
You will not go through - he said. OH YES I WILL I replied. No you're not - we will withhold you and all your belongings. He took my suitcase but I managed to SNATCH BACK MY IDENTITY documents from him and ran past his CHECKpoint to escape to the other one, but could not reach the other border. I found myself STUCK in a NO MAN's LAND, but holding my IDENTITY in HAND.


American Elections - The White Christian Right.

Another dream, another title.

I saw myself in some large cubicle, run by Americans. It was like a steel square box, cold, with metal benches, and inside that large sealed cubicle, there were other smaller cubicles, all made of hard steel, and each CUBICLE WAS DESIGNATED FOR A SPECIFIC PEOPLE and a SPECIFIC GEOGRAPHICAL REGION.
There was the US territory cubicles and in them were detainees - Americans Muslims, Blacks and what was called in the dream "sexual deviants" - mainly gays. But the American Muslims WERE the majority in this local cubicle. They had the rough treatment.

In the other cubicles which were less "hospitable" were Arab Muslims SECULAR but STILL MUSLIMS. I was one of them.

The person in charge of this American DETENTION CENTER, was a woman, straight out of the 50's, or some McCarthy period. She was a a WASP. White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant.

I remember vividly the way she was dressed. She had shortish hair with ends curled up, like from some American BLACK & WHITE movie. A white shirt with frills buttoned all the way up, a longish grey skirt right below the knees and the skirt waist went up right under her heavy breasts, with a thin black belt. She was wearing eye glasses and held a stick in her hand. She looked like one of those PURITANICAL TEACHERS, a mix of English and American culture, obsessed with "MORALS" and the "RIGHT WAY" way of doing things.

She separated both local (American groups) and us "savages." My group had no more access to the local American group of Muslims, Blacks and Gays. We were totally segregated. She had a SPECIAL REHABILITATION PROGRAM for the group I belonged to. I looked around me and we were all secular Arab MUSLIMS but according to her we were the most DANGEROUS. So my turn came up.

She started interrogating me with her stick in hand. She said - you don't look Muslim nor Arab. What are you hiding ? I said I wasn't hiding anything. She said do you know about Jesus ? I said of course I know about Jesus. She added - do you know the morality of Jesus, and of America. I replied affirmatively. She said - you are lying, you are hiding something. So she put me through a series of torture, while making them look as if these were not torture but "rehabilitation". The torture techniques looked "civilized" because she kept that "proper" accent of American "decency".

So I was put through a whole series of "rehabilitation" techniques. I was hanged from my arms, I was made to squat for days, I was made to sleep on very cold metal beds, I was made to shiver from freezing temperatures, I was made to stand for days with my arms up in the air and every time I dozed off someone would poke me. In the dream I was wondering why is this happening to me - am "secular". There must be some sort of misunderstanding here. I am not a "Muslim Terrorist". I don't even veil. But this WASP was adamant that I WAS THE ENEMY of AMERICA.

I think that the message of this particular dream is too evident, well for me it is. The EXTREME RIGHT will TAKE OVER AMERICA (not that it makes much of a difference from what you have now), the American Muslims, Blacks and "sexual deviants" will be HARASSED big time in particular the American Muslims. And as for us, "savages", the plan for America is to make sure to install non secular governments in the region.


Resigning from the Pharaoh with no Balls.

My third and last dream that I care to share. The others I keep for myself because they are none of your damn business. Remember that sentence ---> none of your damn business.

I saw myself in front of some modern Egyptian Pharaoh, an Egyptian boss, in my mind I associate Egyptians with corruption, lies and false bravado. Yes that's the way it is. Come and sue me for being politically incorrect. Wait till you read about my dream with an African polygamist, what will you do then? - come and brainwash my unconscious mind for not falling in line with your putrid politically correct tyranny ?!

Anyways I was standing in some large office with tacky leather furniture just the way the Egyptians like them. These are "modern" times and the Pharaoh in question was dressed in a dark sober suit, with a tie of course. He was tall, big, and had an imposing aura to him. But I knew he had no balls. It was some secret knowledge I somehow had access to. The Pharaoh was in fact an eunuch - hence his IMPOSING status. He didn't know that I knew that he had no balls.

So I stood in front of him, for some reason I had a "corporate" look on. I presented to him MY RESIGNATION. He looked it with DISDAIN and signed it much quicker than I thought. In the dream I was thinking he may force me to stay in HIS OFFICE working for him, but he didn't. He accepted my resignation as if wanting to get rid of me fast.

I said to him - now that you signed my resignation, I want a certificate that I worked for you for so many years, a WORK certificate. He handed me a piece of paper, with red ink blotted all over, with qualities scrapped off the list, with work tasks that did not reflect my actual work, he was demeaning me as a way of his LAST GOODBYE.

I kept standing there and said to him - this work certificate does not reflect the work I have done for you. CORRECT IT. He refused. So I said to him - YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN KEEP THAT CERTIFICATE AND STICK UP YOUR PHARAOH ASS - I KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE, WHAT KIND OF WORK I DID FOR YOU. I KNOW THE ENERGY, TIME AND EFFORT I PUT IN YOUR INSTITUTION. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE IT, ME, OR NOT.

Then I saw myself walking in some UNFAMILIAR street, I felt light, as if a HUGE BURDEN was taken OFF my shoulders, I knew I did the RIGHT THING - NOT working for the Pharaoh no more...but I also felt apprehension, some angst because I was now in UNFAMILIAR territory and I had just resigned from my FAMILIAR SECURITY.

I was very light now that I have gotten rid of the Pharaoh with no balls who never acknowledged me, nor my "work" and who kept putting me down, tearing me down even though I did an excellent job, but I was on my own and having to figure out how to make it.

*******

Hahahahaha - "My" "Unconscious" - SUBCONSCIOUS MIND - ROCKS! Thank you Ancestors, for teaching me all about dreams.

Strings...

Some people would like to pull my strings...some people wish to pull my strings...some people desire to pull my strings and some try pathetically, in the most futile of ways and in vain, to string me along...

Hahahahaha.

I pull the strings here...overtly, covertly, in my own way, in my own timing, in my own style.

No one pulls my strings for me...

Don't delude yourselves.

That's the way it IS, that's the way it shall remain, unless I decide otherwise.

15minutes 13 seconds of Perfection...

Mind blowing. Simply mind blowing. Provided that you know HOW to LISTEN. This I have no control over.



Video: Omar Bashir and his group. #Iraq - November 13, 2011

Nouveau Riche...

I absolutely detest Nouveau Riche, the culture, the mentality, the attitudes, the thinking, the lifestyle, the way they dress, the way they drink, the way they eat...I detest EVERYTHING about the Nouveau Riche.

It's not the person as such but the box in which they put themselves in, and since nouveau riche have zero culture, the box shapes them. When I say culture, I need to define what I mean by it in this context. A mix of education, behavior, ethics, outlook, etc...by education I don't mean a formal education either, because the nouveau riche send their kids to the best schools, by education I mean an effort to process knowledge. Nouveau riche have none of it. Nouveau riche content themselves with their money and their new found status conferred to them by this money.

The nouveau riche lives center around appearances, name dropping, what kind of cars they ride, what kind of clothes they wear, impressing others with material things, I know the nouveau riche so well that I can actually paint their portraits one by one.
From the actual background, to the family, to the father, to the mother, to the kids, to the kind of house they live in, to the minutest details of their private lives...I smell a nouveau riche miles away...

A nouveau riche is someone who made his fortune fairly quickly, through fast business deals, during times of economic boom, sometimes during times of war - a war profiteer, sometimes from very shady transactions, a nouveau riche is usually a "smart entrepreneur" who is ambitious and who tries to make it by any means possible...not always unethical means but almost always obscure deals...

I have a particular obsession with the females nouveau riche, because the men are fairly straightforward in being spotted, the females on the other hand try very hard to project a sophisticated classy attitude that is quickly belied by little details that one perceives either in the way they speak, their house decor, their clothes, their jewelry, the way they talk in private and you catch them unguarded, their airs, the way the move their bodies, their hands, the expressions on their faces....many little details that are a give away...

Contrary to their husbands or fathers, because they are almost always a wife or daughter of someone, it is rare to find a self made nouveau riche woman in this part of the world, these nouveau riche women suffer from a chronic feeling of never being up to some illusory standard of what richness/wealth is. Behind this chronic feeling of inferiority lies another layer of chronic inferiority that of an empty vessel - basically lack of knowledge. Nouveau riche hardly ever read in particular their women. Reading is limited to women's magazines, celebrity gossip, and if really pushed to the extreme, the shortest article in a Time magazine, just so they can say they read an article in the Time magazine. These women are almost always intellectually vacuous i.e a permanent state of vacancy inhabits their minds, and thus filled with the most mundane of pettiness that is reflected on a daily basis in their worthless lives...

Since I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the Middle East, I can safely say that the worst kind of female nouveau riche are to be found in the following countries - Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Jordan and Egypt. I haven't mentioned the Gulf, because to me the whole of the Gulf is nouveau riche but I will not go into the reasons for that right now.

Of course and for the sake of fairness, I must also add that I have come across nouveau riche people from other cultures, they all more or less share common traits, with slight "cultural" variations. I can tell you heaps about the nouveau riche from Russia, about the English, the Indians, the Pakistanis, the Australians, the Latin Americans...I observe so I notice and register...

And of course not to forget the Israeli nouveau riche, anyone who has been to Israel can tell you the endemic tackiness of Israeli society, that is kind of expected since Israel is a nouveau riche country par excellence, being built by profiteering from murder and theft...

I really could go on and on about this rot called the nouveau riche, but I would rather keep the minute details for characters in a novel...they would surely enrich it.

A Moment of Magic

Mariza, one of the best FADO voices from Portugal with the great Cesaria Evora. Granted, the sound quality is not all that great, but who cares when there's magic !

Love # 2012.

The minute you mention the word Love, most people immediately think of Romance. That is normal, healthy intimacy is the lieu where love can express itself...

But that is not the only place...there are so many other places where Love can grow.

My Wish for you in 2012, is that you find it, in that place, where you hardly ever look - inside of you.